when i started this, i promised to spare no detail, no matter how icky, painful or humiliating...so here goes.
it has been a tumultuous 6 months.
in december i decided to take a break from my diet and enjoy the holidays. that was my first mistake. the holidays came and went and my eating didn't change. as much. i started back on my diet during the week but broke it all to hell on the weekends. then, something very bad happened. (ashley, if you read this, please don't tell your mom) i had 2 back to back miscarriages. i didn't even know i could get preggers so you can imagine my surprise when i started getting sick and realized what was going on. at 42, chances of conception are very slim. and when you have polycystic ovaries, chances are even slimmer. those 2 incidents lead to my descension into carb madness. i started eating whatever i wanted, drinking sodas, icees, having desserts, etc. i even started baking and decorating cakes but i was eating my products, too. because of the carbs, because of the "wolfen-like zeal" with which i eat my food again, my stomach is bloated, my ankles are swollen and i swear to allah i can feel folds of fat around my trachea (they weren't there before). i'm depressed, my knees hurt, i feel fatter than ever (even if my saint of a husband swears i haven't gained any weight) and my panic at the idea of being diabetic again or reaching 376 again is keeping me from sleeping like a normal person (not that i have a real frame of reference - i've never slept like a normal person).
i'm mean, and more than a little defensive about my weight and whatever i put into my mouth, and i've been kinda shitty to those who care enough to try and poke the lion with a stick. to those of you who have expressed care and concern, thank you. you were right, i was wrong. and i was right, too. it wasn't until yesterday that i realized how deeply those miscarriages affected me. i never wanted kids until i met my husband. then, because of age, e.coli and whatever the hell else happened to us, we gave up. so to have that taken away just as you're finding out about it was more than i could handle by myself. but in true "margo" style, i kept my mouth shut and ate away the hurt. now it's time to move on.
wish me luck.
pax,
margo
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
skinny jeans or curvy jeans?
well, old number 7 had to be retired. the jeans that i hadn't been able to wear since i met my hubby are now too big. just too big. i swear i could fit a watermelon in the crotch and thighs! so this weekend, me, hubby and deer friend bo went on a marathon shopping spree to try and clothe the incredible shrinking woman...in skinny jeans.
a 42 year old 300 lb person wearing skinny jeans? no flippin' way. that was my thought exactly when these first appeared in town. until i tried them on. wow. my ass looks amazing! seriously! and the muscles in my thighs look insane! which begs the question: should we call them skinny jeans or curvy jeans?
skinny jeans are for skinny, emo kids who have zero body fat. curvy jeans are for women (not girls) who have hips, thighs, and asses. i will no longer refer to my jeans as "skinny" - from this point forward, they will be CURVY jeans. i urge all WOMEN who wear them to call them that...except paris hilton...she's just as emaciated as those emo kids.
have a good night, y'all!
m
a 42 year old 300 lb person wearing skinny jeans? no flippin' way. that was my thought exactly when these first appeared in town. until i tried them on. wow. my ass looks amazing! seriously! and the muscles in my thighs look insane! which begs the question: should we call them skinny jeans or curvy jeans?
skinny jeans are for skinny, emo kids who have zero body fat. curvy jeans are for women (not girls) who have hips, thighs, and asses. i will no longer refer to my jeans as "skinny" - from this point forward, they will be CURVY jeans. i urge all WOMEN who wear them to call them that...except paris hilton...she's just as emaciated as those emo kids.
have a good night, y'all!
m
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes
i'm still shrinking but i haven't stepped on a scale since the last surgeon's appointment so i don't know what the number is.
but i will say this - the jeans, old number 7, that i took too long to try on are now TOO BIG!
and i will add this - everyone told me my feet would shrink, too, and i took it with a grain of salt because, really, i don't think i have fat feet. but they were right! i love shoes and because i love shoes, i feel the need to own as many as i can! but when i blew up, i could no longer wear my sky-high heels so they sat in their specially labeled boxes, squirreled away in my closet. i wore crocs and flip-flops and tennis shoes because i was too heavy to walk on the balls of my feet and my feet were too fat to fit into my beautiful shoes (but i was in denial about that). plus the depression kept me from wanting to make myself pretty so i dressed like a shlub and shlubs don't wear pretty shoes, they wear crocs and flip-flops (exclusively).
UNTIL TODAY!
i was just playing in my closet and decided to try on the contents of the canvas boxes and lo and behold - THEY ALL FIT! and not only do they all fit, they all fit like they were made for me! they fit better now than they did when i bought them! except one pair - one pair of pointy, shiny black pumps with opalescent glitter swishes all over are way too big now. i suspected that would happen because they've always been big but now they're HUGE! if you all know of any really tall drag queens who might like them, let me know. i seriously only wore them twice. if i could find something to put between me and the heel of the shoe i could keep them but i think that'd be grossly uncomfortable and not very pretty. or practical.
one of these days i'll take pictures of my closet filled with shoes.
so i don't want to, but i'm forced to go shopping this weekend for underpants and jeans. the underpants i bought 4 months ago are now so big i feel like i'm wearing those clown pants that have the hula-hoop waistband. and i'm fresh out of jeans. all 7 pair are just too big and that's a great feeling! i just hope i can find some on sale!
have a great night!
pax,
margo
but i will say this - the jeans, old number 7, that i took too long to try on are now TOO BIG!
and i will add this - everyone told me my feet would shrink, too, and i took it with a grain of salt because, really, i don't think i have fat feet. but they were right! i love shoes and because i love shoes, i feel the need to own as many as i can! but when i blew up, i could no longer wear my sky-high heels so they sat in their specially labeled boxes, squirreled away in my closet. i wore crocs and flip-flops and tennis shoes because i was too heavy to walk on the balls of my feet and my feet were too fat to fit into my beautiful shoes (but i was in denial about that). plus the depression kept me from wanting to make myself pretty so i dressed like a shlub and shlubs don't wear pretty shoes, they wear crocs and flip-flops (exclusively).
UNTIL TODAY!
i was just playing in my closet and decided to try on the contents of the canvas boxes and lo and behold - THEY ALL FIT! and not only do they all fit, they all fit like they were made for me! they fit better now than they did when i bought them! except one pair - one pair of pointy, shiny black pumps with opalescent glitter swishes all over are way too big now. i suspected that would happen because they've always been big but now they're HUGE! if you all know of any really tall drag queens who might like them, let me know. i seriously only wore them twice. if i could find something to put between me and the heel of the shoe i could keep them but i think that'd be grossly uncomfortable and not very pretty. or practical.
one of these days i'll take pictures of my closet filled with shoes.
so i don't want to, but i'm forced to go shopping this weekend for underpants and jeans. the underpants i bought 4 months ago are now so big i feel like i'm wearing those clown pants that have the hula-hoop waistband. and i'm fresh out of jeans. all 7 pair are just too big and that's a great feeling! i just hope i can find some on sale!
have a great night!
pax,
margo
Thursday, October 28, 2010
FINALLY!!!
so here i am. i've not been away slacking off, i just didn't have anything to write. i was bored, discouraged and frustrated and not losing as much weight as i wanted to or should have been. so i did what any lapband geek should do.
i got another adjustment.
and here i am, one week later. i can sum up my week with 4 words: holy flaming shitballs, batman! in one week i can see and feel a HUGE difference with my body! my legs are shrinking so much, my pants fit like jodhpurs! my tummy and hips are shrinking so much you can see my ass again! YES, LORD! i am now officially a size 24! i am now the same size i was the day i met my husband! how do i know this? allow me to expound...
i have 7 pairs of jeans in varying sizes. some fit, some don't. i figured i'd be ok avoiding shopping for a while because i could just use whichever of the 7 pairs of jeans fit. the first pair were worn all summer. i finally had to stop wearing them in september when they dropped to my ankles while i was walking across the living room to the kitchen. the second pair are still good but are capri length and won't do well in cold weather. pair 3 are jeans my mom bought me for xmas last year. i can smuggle virginia hams in them now. pair 4 now fit like yoga pants. pairs 5 and 6 fit like jodhpurs - think col. potter in mash. so we're down to pair 7. there's nothing special about these jeans. they're dark, lee riders from wal-mart that i bought YEARS ago. i haven't been able to wear them since i bought them. until TODAY! i tried on every single pair of jeans in my cache and these were the only ones that fit! YES! but also NOOOOOOO it's a month before xmas and now i have to shop for ME instead of getting a jump on xmas gifts! i'm not sure how this is going to play out but at least i have one good pair of jeans that make my butt look amazing!
have a great night, y'all!
pax,
m
i got another adjustment.
and here i am, one week later. i can sum up my week with 4 words: holy flaming shitballs, batman! in one week i can see and feel a HUGE difference with my body! my legs are shrinking so much, my pants fit like jodhpurs! my tummy and hips are shrinking so much you can see my ass again! YES, LORD! i am now officially a size 24! i am now the same size i was the day i met my husband! how do i know this? allow me to expound...
i have 7 pairs of jeans in varying sizes. some fit, some don't. i figured i'd be ok avoiding shopping for a while because i could just use whichever of the 7 pairs of jeans fit. the first pair were worn all summer. i finally had to stop wearing them in september when they dropped to my ankles while i was walking across the living room to the kitchen. the second pair are still good but are capri length and won't do well in cold weather. pair 3 are jeans my mom bought me for xmas last year. i can smuggle virginia hams in them now. pair 4 now fit like yoga pants. pairs 5 and 6 fit like jodhpurs - think col. potter in mash. so we're down to pair 7. there's nothing special about these jeans. they're dark, lee riders from wal-mart that i bought YEARS ago. i haven't been able to wear them since i bought them. until TODAY! i tried on every single pair of jeans in my cache and these were the only ones that fit! YES! but also NOOOOOOO it's a month before xmas and now i have to shop for ME instead of getting a jump on xmas gifts! i'm not sure how this is going to play out but at least i have one good pair of jeans that make my butt look amazing!
have a great night, y'all!
pax,
m
Saturday, October 2, 2010
so let's see...the last post was about issues with the insurance company...and that has all been resolved. the $15K bill for the surgeon has been covered by my insurance company! my only responsibility is a $40 copay! and the $85K hospital bill has been paid as well, and already paid the $200 copay at admission. my only outstanding responsibility is a bill for anesthesia for $120 and we're done! WHEEE!
well interesting changes are happening to me. i thought i was going through menopause but apparently, i was wrong. pms gave me a 4lb weight gain but the surgeon didn't believe me so he adjusted my band. i felt the adjustment for the first 2 days but now? not so much. don't get me wrong - my portions have diminished, just not as much as i had been told they would. and i don't get nearly as hungry anymore. in fact, most days, i skip lunch entirely because i'm either nauseated or full from breakfast. but i noticed if i skip lunch, i eat more at dinner so i don't know what to do.
my weight last friday (9-24) was 320 (pms water weight). i haven't checked this week but i'm guessing i have a 4 lb loss.
wish me luck!
m
well interesting changes are happening to me. i thought i was going through menopause but apparently, i was wrong. pms gave me a 4lb weight gain but the surgeon didn't believe me so he adjusted my band. i felt the adjustment for the first 2 days but now? not so much. don't get me wrong - my portions have diminished, just not as much as i had been told they would. and i don't get nearly as hungry anymore. in fact, most days, i skip lunch entirely because i'm either nauseated or full from breakfast. but i noticed if i skip lunch, i eat more at dinner so i don't know what to do.
my weight last friday (9-24) was 320 (pms water weight). i haven't checked this week but i'm guessing i have a 4 lb loss.
wish me luck!
m
Sunday, September 12, 2010
cutting my losses
hello my old friend...it's been a while, eh?
apologies for the hiatus but there hasn't been much lap band business to update. at the last nutritionist visit, i was told to eat from all of the food groups to make sure nothing reacted negatively with the band. so i've been doing that but being healthy and cognizant of what i eat so that i don't repeat bad patterns or habits. the only bread i've eaten is rye or whole grain and the only desserts i have are sugar free or very low sugar (carb smart bars) and i'm sticking to my 1 dr pepper a month edict, too. despite my restrictions, i still worry about weight gain and have been dreading the next visit with her on the 15th. so imagine my surprise when i saw myself in the mirror and saw more weight loss! from the front, i'm not as wide and my profile is nowhere near as distorted as it was and is starting to look normal!
on the downside, i'm having trouble with my insurance company and my have to file bankruptcy because they don't seem to want to pay for $37K of the procedures i had but if that happens, there's nothing i can do except call yoda.
send good thoughts my way, people.
i need all of the help i can get.
pax,
m
apologies for the hiatus but there hasn't been much lap band business to update. at the last nutritionist visit, i was told to eat from all of the food groups to make sure nothing reacted negatively with the band. so i've been doing that but being healthy and cognizant of what i eat so that i don't repeat bad patterns or habits. the only bread i've eaten is rye or whole grain and the only desserts i have are sugar free or very low sugar (carb smart bars) and i'm sticking to my 1 dr pepper a month edict, too. despite my restrictions, i still worry about weight gain and have been dreading the next visit with her on the 15th. so imagine my surprise when i saw myself in the mirror and saw more weight loss! from the front, i'm not as wide and my profile is nowhere near as distorted as it was and is starting to look normal!
on the downside, i'm having trouble with my insurance company and my have to file bankruptcy because they don't seem to want to pay for $37K of the procedures i had but if that happens, there's nothing i can do except call yoda.
send good thoughts my way, people.
i need all of the help i can get.
pax,
m
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
spoiled ass
i am so spoiled. i got my new phone and it's so high tech it needs its own purse! it came with earbuds, a charger, a tether cable to connect it to my pc and a bunch of guides. i bought it a desktop cradle, an extra battery with its own charging doc and power cable, a snap on case, and polarized screen protectors to keep it from getting scratched and so no one can see what i'm looking at. and it acts as a hotspot so i was able to give up my aircard. i am so spoiled.
so i went to a group nutritionist meeting today and they told me they want me to eat bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, etc! apparently i need to be able to eat anything with the band and this part of the after care diet is to test that. i told them i had problems with bread and chicken breast and tuna and she told me to dip it in a sauce or mayo! MAYO?? ok...and they don't expect any weight loss with this next stage because i need to really eat. my meals should be 50% protein, 25% carb and 25% veg and the carb should be fruit. i'm also to eat 60g of protein a day and i can go back to the pool whenever i want! yay! i'll probably do that this weekend. i just get so bored sometimes but i think since it's been so hot and i've not set foot near a pool in a couple of months i should be ok with the repetitiveness of laps...i just hope i have a suit that fits! i've got 4 of them in varying sizes so i think all bases are covered.
so apparently a nasty little side effect of this band is weird burps. they're fast, without warning, audible and painful. imagine a ping pong or golf ball materializing at the top of your stomach and just literally shooting out of you within 3 seconds and having no way to surpress it! and it hurts. a lot. and it's noisy. like a dog bark...like MY dog's bark! it sounds like tygrrr lilly's bark - low and growly and weird. and it's got a popping quality that you have to hear to understand. i'm lucky, too, because the lady at group has farts like that so i'm not complaining. can you imagine shooting ping pong balls out of your butt?!? that's a whole 'nother kind of spoiled ass that i am blessed not to have.
have a great night!
pax,
margo
so i went to a group nutritionist meeting today and they told me they want me to eat bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, etc! apparently i need to be able to eat anything with the band and this part of the after care diet is to test that. i told them i had problems with bread and chicken breast and tuna and she told me to dip it in a sauce or mayo! MAYO?? ok...and they don't expect any weight loss with this next stage because i need to really eat. my meals should be 50% protein, 25% carb and 25% veg and the carb should be fruit. i'm also to eat 60g of protein a day and i can go back to the pool whenever i want! yay! i'll probably do that this weekend. i just get so bored sometimes but i think since it's been so hot and i've not set foot near a pool in a couple of months i should be ok with the repetitiveness of laps...i just hope i have a suit that fits! i've got 4 of them in varying sizes so i think all bases are covered.
so apparently a nasty little side effect of this band is weird burps. they're fast, without warning, audible and painful. imagine a ping pong or golf ball materializing at the top of your stomach and just literally shooting out of you within 3 seconds and having no way to surpress it! and it hurts. a lot. and it's noisy. like a dog bark...like MY dog's bark! it sounds like tygrrr lilly's bark - low and growly and weird. and it's got a popping quality that you have to hear to understand. i'm lucky, too, because the lady at group has farts like that so i'm not complaining. can you imagine shooting ping pong balls out of your butt?!? that's a whole 'nother kind of spoiled ass that i am blessed not to have.
have a great night!
pax,
margo
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