EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!

I never really paid attention to all that I go through because of my weight until Shanon pointed it out to me. wow. It made me realize why my personality has taken a 180. I used to be spontaneous and outgoing and vivacious and daring and unpredictable...ask Hex. ask my sister. ask anyone who knew me 20 years ago.

One day, it stopped.

Probably when I heard some nasty fat joke at my expense.

Now I want to blend into the woodwork and be invisible and I pray no one notices me and I pretend I'm not as big as I really am. I don't like that. I don't like any of those feelings. That's not who I really am and I'm tired of supressing my real self because I've imprisoned myself in this fat suit. The thing about the booths vs. tables at restaurants has been a big tell...getting snarky looks from the waitresses when they ask, "Table or booth?" and they KNOW what the answer is. Never feeling that again is worth giving up pasta.

More people are asking if I'm excited about the surgery. The surgery is not the exciting part for me...it's a tool. I was talking to my mom tonight and she asked if I was excited. I told her Hex asked me the same question. I said, "If I was going to come out of the surgery 100 lbs lighter, I'd be excited. But I'm not. I'm coming out of the surgery with a boat load of plastic inside me so there really isn't anything to be excited about." She started laughing and said, "I guess you're right. I hadn't thought about it." I said, "I just want to get it over with so I can get on with my life and start losing weight. I know I've lost between 45 - 50 lbs but I'm ready to lose more." That's it. That's why I'm not excited. It's just another step. A big step, but still only a step.

I would like to take this time to acknowledge a couple of first steps that are direct results of this endeavor: I can bend down to pick something up off of the floor using my KNEES and NOT my back (bending at the knees and not the waist)! AND I can feel the breeze on my throat because my double chin is shrinking! YES, LORD! PROGRESS!!!!!

EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!
(my new battle cry)