right said red

i am obsessed with red lipstick.

obsessed.

today alone i bought 3 - one new one and 2 backups because revlon is 40% off at walgreens and they have a fabulous matte lipstick line. i'm on the hunt for another one, too - besame cosmetics has some fabulous lipsticks that are inspired by the red lipsticks of the golden era - 30s, 40s and 50s. they are gorgeous! and julie hewett also has some vintage-inspired lip colors that look pretty authentic. not sure if mail ordering lipstick in texas is the best idea so mac's russian red, viva glam 1, and my new palette of revlon reds will have to do until i can get my hot little hands on the others.

so why red when all i've been wanting to do is blend in to the sheetrock?
because i feel like a girl again. i care about what i eat, i care about my health, i care about my looks and how people see me and i was not born to blend in. anyone who knows me knows i was born to stand out...to be noticed...to stand apart...and i've been living in the shadows way too long.

red lipstick alone won't help me stand apart, though...i cannot imagine how...retarded i would look with my uncolored hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail, no make-up apart from the red lips, oversized sloppy t-shirt, loose capri pants and dirty orange crocs? yeah. i'm gonna pass.
i also bought some red nail polish and false eyelashes and even new shoes and clothes! yup - i'm making myself over. last weekend, laura took the hedgeclippers to my greek eyebrows and mom gave me 2 mary kay lipliners and an oil-free moisturizer to help my dried out skin. next week we go back to the gym because eating right isn't the only thing i need to do to look good. i love the iconic style of the 40s and 50s but the clothes don't look good on you if you weigh 359 lbs so after the surgery and a decent amount of lost weight, i'm diving into retro-land. my hair is already naturally wavy so i don't have to mess with that but i do need to learn how to pin it up in victory rolls and so forth but one step at a time. i need to learn the eyelashes first. i won't post any pictures until i've lost some more weight, but i will do it.
have a good night,
margo

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes...

the meds are really kicking in. the need to tell the world my business is dying (thank you lithium) so i've been blogging less and less. still, though, it is a cool thing i have here so i'll keep up with it as much as i can.

i like most of the changes that i'm experiencing but i do miss the fun, funky, quirkiness and, dare i say it, the mood swings...though i doubt anyone else misses them...i've started paying way more attention to what i eat (i'm sure my nutritionist will like that) and i really don't miss eating the bad stuff. i've started taking better care of my skin and actually taking my makeup off AND moisturizing! my mom is so pleased! oh and i've started wanting to dress like a girl again instead of a shlub...don't get me wrong, i just bought a pair of a&m crocs and you'll have to kill me to get my orange ones away from me...but today i went shopping for girl clothes, inspired after a visit to my closet. i found all kinds of stuff in there i had forgotten about so i bought some coordinating pieces to mix and match what i already had. and that brought about a closet cleaning expedition where lo and behold - i found a forgotten nearly new pair of black bandolino leather sandals that go with everything! yay! win win! i even spent saturday afternoon polishing all of my silver jewelry then sunday i had the batteries in my watches replaced. the only thing left to do is polish my nails and color my hair and i'd really rather leave that to the professionals. memory still sucks, though...lost my lab rx so i'll have to tell the doc to wait another month for my levels but...nobody's perfect.

have a great night, everyone...
m

Cheater Cheater, Pasta Eater!!!

it should be painfully evident from the title of tonight's rant that i've been unfaithful to my diet and nutritionist. i was too nervous and nauseous to eat so i blew off lunch until it was too late. i got a huge craving for pasta. and where can one get pasta quickly when one's husband doesn't want anything even remotely pasta-esque? the mall, of course. north star mall food court was the scene of my crime tonight. i had lasagne and pizza and a coke. i tried to have some kind of pink pasta but it was like noodles and spackle so i tossed it. i ate like a wolf. wolf wolf wolf. wolfen like zeal. damn. i had no shame, either, til now. now i'm wishing i had eaten a whole mess of fruit instead but regret is a feeling i am most familiar with. i've been pretty good so as long as i keep that "goodness" about me and remember to eat the way i'm supposed to, i'll not have too many more moments like tonight's.

so why the nerves+nausea? tomorrow's my endoscopy. and after working at primarily primates and listening to the vet and hearing how dangerous anesthesia can be and how the hardest part is waking the patient up is, i'm scared shitless. i haven't had anesthesia since i was 17 having my tonsils taken out. what if i don't wake up? please make sure daisy sniffs my body if i die. i want to be cremated and have my ashes spread at port aransas (be sneaky because it's illegal).

on that note, i shall go. i have but 1 hour and 45 minutes left to eat or drink anything until tomorrow afternoon. i need a vitamin water.
wish me luck!
m

my throat is the sahara

man, i thought my last hiatus was long but this is just ridiculous. these damn twilight books have rooted inside me and each tendril has wrapped itself around each cell in my head and just taken control.

so i went to the nutritionist for the first time. i know i was worried that it was just a nuisance clause put in by the insurance company but she put a more positive spin on it - she said they want to make sure i'll be able to commit and that i'm serious about sticking with the plan. that's cool. nobody wants this to fail. i listened to everything she had to say and am trying very hard to follow the eating plan she gave me. the only problem i'm having is with the side effects of the lithium - it gives me the dryest throat, to the point of pain and drinking water seems to make it worse. i made sugar-free limeade and that helped immensely but it's not practical. sonic has some diet limeade that's diet sprite and limes and that was pretty good, too.

so what kind of eating plan am i on? lower carbs, no enriched flour, no sugar and no white bread, essentially. i've been eating pretty well but there are some things that are difficult - for example, i have to eat 5 small meals a day and breakfast must be consumed within the first 60 minutes i'm awake. so now i wake up 15 minutes earlier to compensate. that's not a big deal but i'm not supposed to eat again til 10 am and at 8:45 the hunger pains start...so i blow off the 10 am meal for an 8:45 meal and i'm fine til noon. the other difficulty is only having 30 minutes for lunch but trying to chew thoroughly enough within that amount of time. and the last hurdle is not one that happens all the time - i got sick this week. my nephew was sick and i was around him when he was contageous so now it's my turn. i even had a fever today. so a sore throat on top of an already bone dry throat meant nothing helped when i drank it... so i broke down and drank one of don's cokes. i'll just have to make up for that another day.

my throat is the sahara and i am at its mercy.
have a good night,
m

This is My Blog on Meds

it's been a while.
it's been 3 days since my last post...i blame 2 things - adderall and the twilight books. i started adderall monday and it kicked right in! great little appetite killer, too, and man does it work! i read new moon in 2.5 days - 563 pages! and last night i started eclipse and will be done with it tomorrow. i even managed to clean my kitchen, keep it clean (not cooking helps) and clean my living room! GOD BLESS ADDERALL!

the downside? crazy cotton mouth (could be the lithium, too), crazy weird taste in my mouth (neither of these side effects stop no matter how much liquid i drink, btw) and funky eating habits. or maybe normal eating habits...? i no longer finish everything on my plate, i don't eat if i'm not hungry, i pay very close attention to what i eat (for the most part), and i drink a lot of water. i hope this lasts! oh and no more desserts, either - that was a nasty little habit i got into and it's harder than smoking to kick. still addicted to dr.pepper, tho - don't know how i'll fix that but one thing at a time. dr. s also has me taking some exra supplements to help. i'm taking nac which (i believe) helps protect my brain from the damaging effects of bipolar disorder. i'm also taking omega 3,6 & 9 to help open up my veins so my system can better absorb the meds. i also decided to take niacin to help lower my cholesterol. i have 5 pill bottles to contend with now, not including the ever present excedrin migraine and aleve...i'm a walking pharmacy.

well this whole kfc settlement thing has changed my plans a bit. i won't be able to go to cooking school after all. i can't justify taking a paycut to be a line cook or spending $28K on an education and only recieving a certificate - not even a degree. so i'll plan on A&M san antonio and major in psychology and get a real job. it'll be way cheaper and the payoff will be better, too. i'm sure my boss will be pleased because i can do some online classes and continue to work for him.

ok so i hear bella, edward and jake calling (twilight thing haha) so i bid you peace.
pax,
m

Yesterday and Today

so i met with my surgeon yesterday. wow. talk about a system! these guys have it down to a science. i was only in the waiting room for a couple of minutes (unlike the countless hours spent waiting to see my pcp, andy) when they called me in for vitals. no room at the inn so i went back out in to the waiting room again. 2 minutes and then it was back in to our own room. dr. c came in for about 5 minutes and explained the whole process to me and what my insurance would pay so there would be no surprises. he then announced he had an emergency and i would be having an ekg before i left.
i was also introduced to crystal, my lapband/insurance advocate. she further explained the process to me and told me that my insurance company requires me to visit a nutritionist for 6 months before they will approve my surgery. 6 months. but oh "you don't have to lose weight or anything, they just want you to see her!" nice. and not cheap. 150 for the first visit, payable asap and 75 for every one on one consultation after that or i can choose the group therapy plan, scheduled at her convenience, for 50. ridiculous. my insurance company is retarded but at least they will cover me. so i also have to go in for an endoscopy on the 4th and i need a ride home from the hospital. any takers?
i left a little disappointed that it'd be at least another 7 months but if i've gone this long...


so today we mediated with yoda and another rat bastard insurance company and their trained lap dog (corporate attorney) and since i've not yet signed any confidentiality notice or disclosure, this is what happened:
on May 21, i went to kfc on san pedro, owned and operated by r&l foods. i ate a piece of chicken that was mushy (one bite and it went into the trash) and took one bite of macaroni that was just inedible. i decided to skip dinner after that. don ate like a horse and his food was fine. at 4AM i woke up with the worst heartburn and had some milk and some water. at 5AM i woke up vomiting and with the runs. at 6AM i woke up with vomiting and the runs. at 6:30AM i woke up and took a shower for work and had more vomiting and runs and serious cramping so i opted out of work. from that point, i was running to the bathroom every 20 minutes for one reason or another. by 10AM i was exhausted and burning up. don was home from work with a doctor's note for gout. i laid naked on my bed with every fan in the house blowing on me, trying to get some rest. every 20 minutes i suffered a full-blown exorcism that was just never ending. at about 3PM, don went to valero to get me a gatorade and pepto bismol...which was a complete waste of time and money. i couldn't even keep water in. at about 5PM the joints in my fingers started to freeze from dehydration; my exorcisms were still every 20 minutes, non-stop. by 7PM, the exhaustion was so bad that everytime i threw up, i would urinate on myself. at 8PM i was running back to my bathroom and my knees just stopped working and i collapsed. when i hit the ground, some more beautiful bodily fluids just leaked out of every possible place just as my new husband of 3 months came limping to my aid. i was humiliated. utterly and totally humiliated. (you should know that from about 3PM on, everything that was being exorcised out of me looked like pure water so it wasn't visually disturbing but still gross and humiliating). every movement i made to try and get up caused further expulsion. leakage. whatever. there i was, naked, sweating, shaking, exhausted, ready to die and desperately needing to use my bathroom but unable to get up, even with don's help. by the sheer grace of god, we managed to get me up and into the bathroom and cleaned up, despite fingers being frozen from dehydration. i was at my lowest point ever. i told him to get me to a hospital so he called my mom. she told him to take me to an e.r. if that's what i needed. he called my paramedic brother in law who suggested the same. don can't drive and in as much pain as he was in, he could barely walk. he called his mom and sister and (now ex) brother in law who drove right over and took me to ne baptist hospital. i was freezing and sweating at the same time and according to my mother in law my skin felt like ice. i spent about 20 minutes in the er before going to icu where they told us my blood pressure was unreadable, they couldn't find a pulse and my body temperature was 91F. i was dying and in shock. rather than test me for anything despite what don told them i ate, they just treated the problems. oh and they called the police and accused don of poisoning me. i stayed in the hospital for one full week thereafter as i also suffered renal failure and my kidneys had begun producing some enzyme that was eating my muscles. i was dying. they told don that if he had waited any further on bringing me in i would not have made it through the night. once i finally got back to work i had to give up a great job that i just got because i could no longer climb the numerous flights of stairs needed for that job (leasing agent). i eventually got called in and told to stay home until my doctor would fully release me. i had to resign because i needed income. today i finally closed the chapter on that part of my life. we met with the mediator who is a great guy and laid it all out for us. he, like my attorney yoda, used to defend big business insurance companies but decided to make his own mark in the world as a pi attorney. he and yoda explained that because the hospital never tested me specifically for e.coli and because i never saved the stupid piece of chicken, i had no proof. i knew that. i knew i had a circumstantial case at best and was hoping for mercy but there is no mercy in a red state for the working class. i was told that if, by some miracle i went to trial and won, they would surely appeal and i would most certainly lose the appeal because the appellate court is presided by 2 red judges and one blue judge and the reds will always vote for big business so i would lose the whole lot. i had to settle. ben's first offer was 65K. they countered with 5K. don was furious - i could see it in his eyes. mediator said based on what he'd heard he could get us 20K so we accepted. after yoda's share and fees for court costs, fees for mediation, etc. i should get 11 or 12K in about a week.
the moral of the story is not what you would expect:
if you're a democrat, get your ass out there and vote! this act of food terrorism is completely random and could happen to you or your kids or your grandparents or anyone! unless we vote for the dems to get the red out, it will not get any better for any of us. VOTE!

Bipolar Bear

the depression is getting worse. i need to start the meds soon. i think i'll fill my prescriptions today.

lithium does strange things to me (with regard to food). the first time i took it i developed an interesting aversion to red meat - it was all coagulated blood and i just couldn't imagine eating it so i ate chicken and fish. until one day when i could no longer eat chicken; it was all slimy and no matter how well-cooked, it just seemed raw. so i became a pescetarian until the lithium killed that, too. i was a vegan person for a while after that - almost a year, until the doctor changed the dosage.

the last time i took lithium i took too much and had the taste of acid in my mouth - it felt like i had been sucking on batteries or something. and i craved salt. a lot of salt. and as much as i could ingest! pickles and chinese candy were the mainstays of my diet; not good when you're hypertensive. don used to say he was going to hang a salt block over the bed. when i quit taking lithium after i fired dr. jack-ass, the salt cravings stopped.

let's see what happens this time!

i know there are a lot of myths, misconceptions and scary truths about bipolar bears. i know a lot of folks in my life don't really believe i am bipolar because of those myths, misconceptions and scary truths. i do well to hide my crazies, but i do have them. i don't have big scary psycotic episodes, which is good. i'm lucky. the only time i've ever had hallucinations have been from lack of sleep or the wrong meds and even then i only see shadows of rats, mice, opossum and raccoons. it'd be cool if they were doing the can-can or the lambada or something but they don't. they just scurry around in the shadows they way they would if they were real. i guess it's a good thing that they don't do anything fun - i'd purposely avoid sleep just to watch the rodent show. HA!

the point to my little story is every body is different. my case of bipolar disorder is pretty mild when compared to others. my illness doesn't hurt anyone but me. i have had points where i just can't get out of bed, even to walk the dogs. that hasn't happened since i got married.

now it's cleaning.

i just can't bring myself to clean anything but the kitchen. the rest of my house is a disaster and, like my weight, too much of a burden for one person to take on.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking in 5 different places for a matching sock to the one he magically found on the dining table.

i'm sure don is beyond done looking for a shirt to wear on the days he's off.

i'm sure don is beyond done having an empty chest of drawers but three full laundry baskets for the past 9 months.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the clothing all over the floor in the bedroom.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the mountain of clothing on top of the dresser.

i know i'm beyond done with the absolute inability to fix this demon...this beast...this wall of shit that just keeps me from being able to take care of any of it. i'm even going to employ my cousin to help me get this disaster together. i need to at least get the clothing under control so i can decide what to keep and what to toss so we can move next fall.

i need a nap.

pax,
margo