Bipolar Bear

the depression is getting worse. i need to start the meds soon. i think i'll fill my prescriptions today.

lithium does strange things to me (with regard to food). the first time i took it i developed an interesting aversion to red meat - it was all coagulated blood and i just couldn't imagine eating it so i ate chicken and fish. until one day when i could no longer eat chicken; it was all slimy and no matter how well-cooked, it just seemed raw. so i became a pescetarian until the lithium killed that, too. i was a vegan person for a while after that - almost a year, until the doctor changed the dosage.

the last time i took lithium i took too much and had the taste of acid in my mouth - it felt like i had been sucking on batteries or something. and i craved salt. a lot of salt. and as much as i could ingest! pickles and chinese candy were the mainstays of my diet; not good when you're hypertensive. don used to say he was going to hang a salt block over the bed. when i quit taking lithium after i fired dr. jack-ass, the salt cravings stopped.

let's see what happens this time!

i know there are a lot of myths, misconceptions and scary truths about bipolar bears. i know a lot of folks in my life don't really believe i am bipolar because of those myths, misconceptions and scary truths. i do well to hide my crazies, but i do have them. i don't have big scary psycotic episodes, which is good. i'm lucky. the only time i've ever had hallucinations have been from lack of sleep or the wrong meds and even then i only see shadows of rats, mice, opossum and raccoons. it'd be cool if they were doing the can-can or the lambada or something but they don't. they just scurry around in the shadows they way they would if they were real. i guess it's a good thing that they don't do anything fun - i'd purposely avoid sleep just to watch the rodent show. HA!

the point to my little story is every body is different. my case of bipolar disorder is pretty mild when compared to others. my illness doesn't hurt anyone but me. i have had points where i just can't get out of bed, even to walk the dogs. that hasn't happened since i got married.

now it's cleaning.

i just can't bring myself to clean anything but the kitchen. the rest of my house is a disaster and, like my weight, too much of a burden for one person to take on.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking in 5 different places for a matching sock to the one he magically found on the dining table.

i'm sure don is beyond done looking for a shirt to wear on the days he's off.

i'm sure don is beyond done having an empty chest of drawers but three full laundry baskets for the past 9 months.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the clothing all over the floor in the bedroom.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the mountain of clothing on top of the dresser.

i know i'm beyond done with the absolute inability to fix this demon...this beast...this wall of shit that just keeps me from being able to take care of any of it. i'm even going to employ my cousin to help me get this disaster together. i need to at least get the clothing under control so i can decide what to keep and what to toss so we can move next fall.

i need a nap.

pax,
margo