man, i thought my last hiatus was long but this is just ridiculous. these damn twilight books have rooted inside me and each tendril has wrapped itself around each cell in my head and just taken control.
so i went to the nutritionist for the first time. i know i was worried that it was just a nuisance clause put in by the insurance company but she put a more positive spin on it - she said they want to make sure i'll be able to commit and that i'm serious about sticking with the plan. that's cool. nobody wants this to fail. i listened to everything she had to say and am trying very hard to follow the eating plan she gave me. the only problem i'm having is with the side effects of the lithium - it gives me the dryest throat, to the point of pain and drinking water seems to make it worse. i made sugar-free limeade and that helped immensely but it's not practical. sonic has some diet limeade that's diet sprite and limes and that was pretty good, too.
so what kind of eating plan am i on? lower carbs, no enriched flour, no sugar and no white bread, essentially. i've been eating pretty well but there are some things that are difficult - for example, i have to eat 5 small meals a day and breakfast must be consumed within the first 60 minutes i'm awake. so now i wake up 15 minutes earlier to compensate. that's not a big deal but i'm not supposed to eat again til 10 am and at 8:45 the hunger pains start...so i blow off the 10 am meal for an 8:45 meal and i'm fine til noon. the other difficulty is only having 30 minutes for lunch but trying to chew thoroughly enough within that amount of time. and the last hurdle is not one that happens all the time - i got sick this week. my nephew was sick and i was around him when he was contageous so now it's my turn. i even had a fever today. so a sore throat on top of an already bone dry throat meant nothing helped when i drank it... so i broke down and drank one of don's cokes. i'll just have to make up for that another day.
my throat is the sahara and i am at its mercy.
have a good night,
m
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
This is My Blog on Meds
it's been a while.
it's been 3 days since my last post...i blame 2 things - adderall and the twilight books. i started adderall monday and it kicked right in! great little appetite killer, too, and man does it work! i read new moon in 2.5 days - 563 pages! and last night i started eclipse and will be done with it tomorrow. i even managed to clean my kitchen, keep it clean (not cooking helps) and clean my living room! GOD BLESS ADDERALL!
the downside? crazy cotton mouth (could be the lithium, too), crazy weird taste in my mouth (neither of these side effects stop no matter how much liquid i drink, btw) and funky eating habits. or maybe normal eating habits...? i no longer finish everything on my plate, i don't eat if i'm not hungry, i pay very close attention to what i eat (for the most part), and i drink a lot of water. i hope this lasts! oh and no more desserts, either - that was a nasty little habit i got into and it's harder than smoking to kick. still addicted to dr.pepper, tho - don't know how i'll fix that but one thing at a time. dr. s also has me taking some exra supplements to help. i'm taking nac which (i believe) helps protect my brain from the damaging effects of bipolar disorder. i'm also taking omega 3,6 & 9 to help open up my veins so my system can better absorb the meds. i also decided to take niacin to help lower my cholesterol. i have 5 pill bottles to contend with now, not including the ever present excedrin migraine and aleve...i'm a walking pharmacy.
well this whole kfc settlement thing has changed my plans a bit. i won't be able to go to cooking school after all. i can't justify taking a paycut to be a line cook or spending $28K on an education and only recieving a certificate - not even a degree. so i'll plan on A&M san antonio and major in psychology and get a real job. it'll be way cheaper and the payoff will be better, too. i'm sure my boss will be pleased because i can do some online classes and continue to work for him.
ok so i hear bella, edward and jake calling (twilight thing haha) so i bid you peace.
pax,
m
it's been 3 days since my last post...i blame 2 things - adderall and the twilight books. i started adderall monday and it kicked right in! great little appetite killer, too, and man does it work! i read new moon in 2.5 days - 563 pages! and last night i started eclipse and will be done with it tomorrow. i even managed to clean my kitchen, keep it clean (not cooking helps) and clean my living room! GOD BLESS ADDERALL!
the downside? crazy cotton mouth (could be the lithium, too), crazy weird taste in my mouth (neither of these side effects stop no matter how much liquid i drink, btw) and funky eating habits. or maybe normal eating habits...? i no longer finish everything on my plate, i don't eat if i'm not hungry, i pay very close attention to what i eat (for the most part), and i drink a lot of water. i hope this lasts! oh and no more desserts, either - that was a nasty little habit i got into and it's harder than smoking to kick. still addicted to dr.pepper, tho - don't know how i'll fix that but one thing at a time. dr. s also has me taking some exra supplements to help. i'm taking nac which (i believe) helps protect my brain from the damaging effects of bipolar disorder. i'm also taking omega 3,6 & 9 to help open up my veins so my system can better absorb the meds. i also decided to take niacin to help lower my cholesterol. i have 5 pill bottles to contend with now, not including the ever present excedrin migraine and aleve...i'm a walking pharmacy.
well this whole kfc settlement thing has changed my plans a bit. i won't be able to go to cooking school after all. i can't justify taking a paycut to be a line cook or spending $28K on an education and only recieving a certificate - not even a degree. so i'll plan on A&M san antonio and major in psychology and get a real job. it'll be way cheaper and the payoff will be better, too. i'm sure my boss will be pleased because i can do some online classes and continue to work for him.
ok so i hear bella, edward and jake calling (twilight thing haha) so i bid you peace.
pax,
m
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Yesterday and Today
so i met with my surgeon yesterday. wow. talk about a system! these guys have it down to a science. i was only in the waiting room for a couple of minutes (unlike the countless hours spent waiting to see my pcp, andy) when they called me in for vitals. no room at the inn so i went back out in to the waiting room again. 2 minutes and then it was back in to our own room. dr. c came in for about 5 minutes and explained the whole process to me and what my insurance would pay so there would be no surprises. he then announced he had an emergency and i would be having an ekg before i left.
i was also introduced to crystal, my lapband/insurance advocate. she further explained the process to me and told me that my insurance company requires me to visit a nutritionist for 6 months before they will approve my surgery. 6 months. but oh "you don't have to lose weight or anything, they just want you to see her!" nice. and not cheap. 150 for the first visit, payable asap and 75 for every one on one consultation after that or i can choose the group therapy plan, scheduled at her convenience, for 50. ridiculous. my insurance company is retarded but at least they will cover me. so i also have to go in for an endoscopy on the 4th and i need a ride home from the hospital. any takers?
i left a little disappointed that it'd be at least another 7 months but if i've gone this long...
so today we mediated with yoda and another rat bastard insurance company and their trained lap dog (corporate attorney) and since i've not yet signed any confidentiality notice or disclosure, this is what happened:
on May 21, i went to kfc on san pedro, owned and operated by r&l foods. i ate a piece of chicken that was mushy (one bite and it went into the trash) and took one bite of macaroni that was just inedible. i decided to skip dinner after that. don ate like a horse and his food was fine. at 4AM i woke up with the worst heartburn and had some milk and some water. at 5AM i woke up vomiting and with the runs. at 6AM i woke up with vomiting and the runs. at 6:30AM i woke up and took a shower for work and had more vomiting and runs and serious cramping so i opted out of work. from that point, i was running to the bathroom every 20 minutes for one reason or another. by 10AM i was exhausted and burning up. don was home from work with a doctor's note for gout. i laid naked on my bed with every fan in the house blowing on me, trying to get some rest. every 20 minutes i suffered a full-blown exorcism that was just never ending. at about 3PM, don went to valero to get me a gatorade and pepto bismol...which was a complete waste of time and money. i couldn't even keep water in. at about 5PM the joints in my fingers started to freeze from dehydration; my exorcisms were still every 20 minutes, non-stop. by 7PM, the exhaustion was so bad that everytime i threw up, i would urinate on myself. at 8PM i was running back to my bathroom and my knees just stopped working and i collapsed. when i hit the ground, some more beautiful bodily fluids just leaked out of every possible place just as my new husband of 3 months came limping to my aid. i was humiliated. utterly and totally humiliated. (you should know that from about 3PM on, everything that was being exorcised out of me looked like pure water so it wasn't visually disturbing but still gross and humiliating). every movement i made to try and get up caused further expulsion. leakage. whatever. there i was, naked, sweating, shaking, exhausted, ready to die and desperately needing to use my bathroom but unable to get up, even with don's help. by the sheer grace of god, we managed to get me up and into the bathroom and cleaned up, despite fingers being frozen from dehydration. i was at my lowest point ever. i told him to get me to a hospital so he called my mom. she told him to take me to an e.r. if that's what i needed. he called my paramedic brother in law who suggested the same. don can't drive and in as much pain as he was in, he could barely walk. he called his mom and sister and (now ex) brother in law who drove right over and took me to ne baptist hospital. i was freezing and sweating at the same time and according to my mother in law my skin felt like ice. i spent about 20 minutes in the er before going to icu where they told us my blood pressure was unreadable, they couldn't find a pulse and my body temperature was 91F. i was dying and in shock. rather than test me for anything despite what don told them i ate, they just treated the problems. oh and they called the police and accused don of poisoning me. i stayed in the hospital for one full week thereafter as i also suffered renal failure and my kidneys had begun producing some enzyme that was eating my muscles. i was dying. they told don that if he had waited any further on bringing me in i would not have made it through the night. once i finally got back to work i had to give up a great job that i just got because i could no longer climb the numerous flights of stairs needed for that job (leasing agent). i eventually got called in and told to stay home until my doctor would fully release me. i had to resign because i needed income. today i finally closed the chapter on that part of my life. we met with the mediator who is a great guy and laid it all out for us. he, like my attorney yoda, used to defend big business insurance companies but decided to make his own mark in the world as a pi attorney. he and yoda explained that because the hospital never tested me specifically for e.coli and because i never saved the stupid piece of chicken, i had no proof. i knew that. i knew i had a circumstantial case at best and was hoping for mercy but there is no mercy in a red state for the working class. i was told that if, by some miracle i went to trial and won, they would surely appeal and i would most certainly lose the appeal because the appellate court is presided by 2 red judges and one blue judge and the reds will always vote for big business so i would lose the whole lot. i had to settle. ben's first offer was 65K. they countered with 5K. don was furious - i could see it in his eyes. mediator said based on what he'd heard he could get us 20K so we accepted. after yoda's share and fees for court costs, fees for mediation, etc. i should get 11 or 12K in about a week.
the moral of the story is not what you would expect:
if you're a democrat, get your ass out there and vote! this act of food terrorism is completely random and could happen to you or your kids or your grandparents or anyone! unless we vote for the dems to get the red out, it will not get any better for any of us. VOTE!
i was also introduced to crystal, my lapband/insurance advocate. she further explained the process to me and told me that my insurance company requires me to visit a nutritionist for 6 months before they will approve my surgery. 6 months. but oh "you don't have to lose weight or anything, they just want you to see her!" nice. and not cheap. 150 for the first visit, payable asap and 75 for every one on one consultation after that or i can choose the group therapy plan, scheduled at her convenience, for 50. ridiculous. my insurance company is retarded but at least they will cover me. so i also have to go in for an endoscopy on the 4th and i need a ride home from the hospital. any takers?
i left a little disappointed that it'd be at least another 7 months but if i've gone this long...
so today we mediated with yoda and another rat bastard insurance company and their trained lap dog (corporate attorney) and since i've not yet signed any confidentiality notice or disclosure, this is what happened:
on May 21, i went to kfc on san pedro, owned and operated by r&l foods. i ate a piece of chicken that was mushy (one bite and it went into the trash) and took one bite of macaroni that was just inedible. i decided to skip dinner after that. don ate like a horse and his food was fine. at 4AM i woke up with the worst heartburn and had some milk and some water. at 5AM i woke up vomiting and with the runs. at 6AM i woke up with vomiting and the runs. at 6:30AM i woke up and took a shower for work and had more vomiting and runs and serious cramping so i opted out of work. from that point, i was running to the bathroom every 20 minutes for one reason or another. by 10AM i was exhausted and burning up. don was home from work with a doctor's note for gout. i laid naked on my bed with every fan in the house blowing on me, trying to get some rest. every 20 minutes i suffered a full-blown exorcism that was just never ending. at about 3PM, don went to valero to get me a gatorade and pepto bismol...which was a complete waste of time and money. i couldn't even keep water in. at about 5PM the joints in my fingers started to freeze from dehydration; my exorcisms were still every 20 minutes, non-stop. by 7PM, the exhaustion was so bad that everytime i threw up, i would urinate on myself. at 8PM i was running back to my bathroom and my knees just stopped working and i collapsed. when i hit the ground, some more beautiful bodily fluids just leaked out of every possible place just as my new husband of 3 months came limping to my aid. i was humiliated. utterly and totally humiliated. (you should know that from about 3PM on, everything that was being exorcised out of me looked like pure water so it wasn't visually disturbing but still gross and humiliating). every movement i made to try and get up caused further expulsion. leakage. whatever. there i was, naked, sweating, shaking, exhausted, ready to die and desperately needing to use my bathroom but unable to get up, even with don's help. by the sheer grace of god, we managed to get me up and into the bathroom and cleaned up, despite fingers being frozen from dehydration. i was at my lowest point ever. i told him to get me to a hospital so he called my mom. she told him to take me to an e.r. if that's what i needed. he called my paramedic brother in law who suggested the same. don can't drive and in as much pain as he was in, he could barely walk. he called his mom and sister and (now ex) brother in law who drove right over and took me to ne baptist hospital. i was freezing and sweating at the same time and according to my mother in law my skin felt like ice. i spent about 20 minutes in the er before going to icu where they told us my blood pressure was unreadable, they couldn't find a pulse and my body temperature was 91F. i was dying and in shock. rather than test me for anything despite what don told them i ate, they just treated the problems. oh and they called the police and accused don of poisoning me. i stayed in the hospital for one full week thereafter as i also suffered renal failure and my kidneys had begun producing some enzyme that was eating my muscles. i was dying. they told don that if he had waited any further on bringing me in i would not have made it through the night. once i finally got back to work i had to give up a great job that i just got because i could no longer climb the numerous flights of stairs needed for that job (leasing agent). i eventually got called in and told to stay home until my doctor would fully release me. i had to resign because i needed income. today i finally closed the chapter on that part of my life. we met with the mediator who is a great guy and laid it all out for us. he, like my attorney yoda, used to defend big business insurance companies but decided to make his own mark in the world as a pi attorney. he and yoda explained that because the hospital never tested me specifically for e.coli and because i never saved the stupid piece of chicken, i had no proof. i knew that. i knew i had a circumstantial case at best and was hoping for mercy but there is no mercy in a red state for the working class. i was told that if, by some miracle i went to trial and won, they would surely appeal and i would most certainly lose the appeal because the appellate court is presided by 2 red judges and one blue judge and the reds will always vote for big business so i would lose the whole lot. i had to settle. ben's first offer was 65K. they countered with 5K. don was furious - i could see it in his eyes. mediator said based on what he'd heard he could get us 20K so we accepted. after yoda's share and fees for court costs, fees for mediation, etc. i should get 11 or 12K in about a week.
the moral of the story is not what you would expect:
if you're a democrat, get your ass out there and vote! this act of food terrorism is completely random and could happen to you or your kids or your grandparents or anyone! unless we vote for the dems to get the red out, it will not get any better for any of us. VOTE!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Bipolar Bear
the depression is getting worse. i need to start the meds soon. i think i'll fill my prescriptions today.
lithium does strange things to me (with regard to food). the first time i took it i developed an interesting aversion to red meat - it was all coagulated blood and i just couldn't imagine eating it so i ate chicken and fish. until one day when i could no longer eat chicken; it was all slimy and no matter how well-cooked, it just seemed raw. so i became a pescetarian until the lithium killed that, too. i was a vegan person for a while after that - almost a year, until the doctor changed the dosage.
the last time i took lithium i took too much and had the taste of acid in my mouth - it felt like i had been sucking on batteries or something. and i craved salt. a lot of salt. and as much as i could ingest! pickles and chinese candy were the mainstays of my diet; not good when you're hypertensive. don used to say he was going to hang a salt block over the bed. when i quit taking lithium after i fired dr. jack-ass, the salt cravings stopped.
let's see what happens this time!
i know there are a lot of myths, misconceptions and scary truths about bipolar bears. i know a lot of folks in my life don't really believe i am bipolar because of those myths, misconceptions and scary truths. i do well to hide my crazies, but i do have them. i don't have big scary psycotic episodes, which is good. i'm lucky. the only time i've ever had hallucinations have been from lack of sleep or the wrong meds and even then i only see shadows of rats, mice, opossum and raccoons. it'd be cool if they were doing the can-can or the lambada or something but they don't. they just scurry around in the shadows they way they would if they were real. i guess it's a good thing that they don't do anything fun - i'd purposely avoid sleep just to watch the rodent show. HA!
the point to my little story is every body is different. my case of bipolar disorder is pretty mild when compared to others. my illness doesn't hurt anyone but me. i have had points where i just can't get out of bed, even to walk the dogs. that hasn't happened since i got married.
now it's cleaning.
i just can't bring myself to clean anything but the kitchen. the rest of my house is a disaster and, like my weight, too much of a burden for one person to take on.
i'm sure don is beyond done with looking in 5 different places for a matching sock to the one he magically found on the dining table.
i'm sure don is beyond done looking for a shirt to wear on the days he's off.
i'm sure don is beyond done having an empty chest of drawers but three full laundry baskets for the past 9 months.
i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the clothing all over the floor in the bedroom.
i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the mountain of clothing on top of the dresser.
i know i'm beyond done with the absolute inability to fix this demon...this beast...this wall of shit that just keeps me from being able to take care of any of it. i'm even going to employ my cousin to help me get this disaster together. i need to at least get the clothing under control so i can decide what to keep and what to toss so we can move next fall.
i need a nap.
pax,
margo
lithium does strange things to me (with regard to food). the first time i took it i developed an interesting aversion to red meat - it was all coagulated blood and i just couldn't imagine eating it so i ate chicken and fish. until one day when i could no longer eat chicken; it was all slimy and no matter how well-cooked, it just seemed raw. so i became a pescetarian until the lithium killed that, too. i was a vegan person for a while after that - almost a year, until the doctor changed the dosage.
the last time i took lithium i took too much and had the taste of acid in my mouth - it felt like i had been sucking on batteries or something. and i craved salt. a lot of salt. and as much as i could ingest! pickles and chinese candy were the mainstays of my diet; not good when you're hypertensive. don used to say he was going to hang a salt block over the bed. when i quit taking lithium after i fired dr. jack-ass, the salt cravings stopped.
let's see what happens this time!
i know there are a lot of myths, misconceptions and scary truths about bipolar bears. i know a lot of folks in my life don't really believe i am bipolar because of those myths, misconceptions and scary truths. i do well to hide my crazies, but i do have them. i don't have big scary psycotic episodes, which is good. i'm lucky. the only time i've ever had hallucinations have been from lack of sleep or the wrong meds and even then i only see shadows of rats, mice, opossum and raccoons. it'd be cool if they were doing the can-can or the lambada or something but they don't. they just scurry around in the shadows they way they would if they were real. i guess it's a good thing that they don't do anything fun - i'd purposely avoid sleep just to watch the rodent show. HA!
the point to my little story is every body is different. my case of bipolar disorder is pretty mild when compared to others. my illness doesn't hurt anyone but me. i have had points where i just can't get out of bed, even to walk the dogs. that hasn't happened since i got married.
now it's cleaning.
i just can't bring myself to clean anything but the kitchen. the rest of my house is a disaster and, like my weight, too much of a burden for one person to take on.
i'm sure don is beyond done with looking in 5 different places for a matching sock to the one he magically found on the dining table.
i'm sure don is beyond done looking for a shirt to wear on the days he's off.
i'm sure don is beyond done having an empty chest of drawers but three full laundry baskets for the past 9 months.
i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the clothing all over the floor in the bedroom.
i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the mountain of clothing on top of the dresser.
i know i'm beyond done with the absolute inability to fix this demon...this beast...this wall of shit that just keeps me from being able to take care of any of it. i'm even going to employ my cousin to help me get this disaster together. i need to at least get the clothing under control so i can decide what to keep and what to toss so we can move next fall.
i need a nap.
pax,
margo
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Shrink-a-Dinky Doo
i went to my first appointment with my new shrink today. he's cool. i like him. i fired the last one because he was condescending and kind of a jerk. this one is cool. i got the feeling that he was actually paying attention. don went with me to the appointment and helped a lot. i forget things so he fills in the gaps. we both walked away with the sense that my adhd is more of a detrement than the bipolar disorder. i got what i needed, though...a prescription for lithium and a prescription for adderall.
hello lover...
we also discussed my upcoming visit to lapband camp. he deduced that based on symptoms we discussed, i probably do have sleep apnea and he gave me a card for a collegue of his that performs sleep studies. he understood my reluctance to take sleeping pills because of the "anna nicole smith" type hangovers they have on me, so we opted out of xanax. he asked if i thought i could stick to the regimented new way of eating once i had the procedure. he asked about my weight issues and my recent weight gain. i explained that the majority of the weight gain is from the seemingly unending depression that has me in its claws of doom. i know i'll lose weight when i'm properly medicated - i always do. maybe not a significant amount but at least 25 to 40 lbs which works for me. that amount compiled with the weight loss from the low carb diet i'll be on a few weeks prior to surgery should be a nice little jump start to a healthy new me.
it's all coming into place, isn't it? it's happening - it's really happening! i'm really going to get healthy! now if i could master that lotto number-picking thing...
good night and good mental health!
pax,
margo
hello lover...
we also discussed my upcoming visit to lapband camp. he deduced that based on symptoms we discussed, i probably do have sleep apnea and he gave me a card for a collegue of his that performs sleep studies. he understood my reluctance to take sleeping pills because of the "anna nicole smith" type hangovers they have on me, so we opted out of xanax. he asked if i thought i could stick to the regimented new way of eating once i had the procedure. he asked about my weight issues and my recent weight gain. i explained that the majority of the weight gain is from the seemingly unending depression that has me in its claws of doom. i know i'll lose weight when i'm properly medicated - i always do. maybe not a significant amount but at least 25 to 40 lbs which works for me. that amount compiled with the weight loss from the low carb diet i'll be on a few weeks prior to surgery should be a nice little jump start to a healthy new me.
it's all coming into place, isn't it? it's happening - it's really happening! i'm really going to get healthy! now if i could master that lotto number-picking thing...
good night and good mental health!
pax,
margo
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Uncommon Sense
i am a slacker.
i slacked off all weekend and failed to write anything in my blog. partly because my eating is out of control and i don't want to admit it. and partly because i didn't know what to say. and partly because i found out hex doesn't qualify for the procedure because his jackass employer doesn't care enough about its employees who need this surgery.
it saddens me.
hector has tried, and tried really hard to lose weight the right way. he's tried way harder than me. he's gone walking and running for miles and miles at woodlawn lake and it just doesn't work. he's eaten sugar free, carb free, fat free, fun free, yum free, taste free, and even food free by way of meal replacement shakes. he needs bigger help than mere diet and exercise can provide.
i don't know why he eats, but i can guess. i do know that we both share the same insatiable hunger that seems to take over all of our senses, common and uncommon.
i don't want to invade his privacy, so from this point forward i will only discuss my issues, but know this: if you work for cps and make decisions about providing health care for your employees, you suck. and you're stupid. it costs more to insure, medicate and maintain people with diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, high cholesterol, and the myriad of other issues and co-morbidities that accompany severe weight issues (i don't like the phrase morbid obesity so i won't use it in my blog) than it does to pay for weight loss surgery.
that said, i bid you all good night and good dreams.
pax,
margo
i slacked off all weekend and failed to write anything in my blog. partly because my eating is out of control and i don't want to admit it. and partly because i didn't know what to say. and partly because i found out hex doesn't qualify for the procedure because his jackass employer doesn't care enough about its employees who need this surgery.
it saddens me.
hector has tried, and tried really hard to lose weight the right way. he's tried way harder than me. he's gone walking and running for miles and miles at woodlawn lake and it just doesn't work. he's eaten sugar free, carb free, fat free, fun free, yum free, taste free, and even food free by way of meal replacement shakes. he needs bigger help than mere diet and exercise can provide.
i don't know why he eats, but i can guess. i do know that we both share the same insatiable hunger that seems to take over all of our senses, common and uncommon.
i don't want to invade his privacy, so from this point forward i will only discuss my issues, but know this: if you work for cps and make decisions about providing health care for your employees, you suck. and you're stupid. it costs more to insure, medicate and maintain people with diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, high cholesterol, and the myriad of other issues and co-morbidities that accompany severe weight issues (i don't like the phrase morbid obesity so i won't use it in my blog) than it does to pay for weight loss surgery.
that said, i bid you all good night and good dreams.
pax,
margo
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Sleeping Giant
the wolf rested today.
again today, i came home from work and took a nap til 6:40. from here, we went to dinner with the family. it took a little bit of time because still-sleepy-me took the long way. we gave the group ahead of us our spot in line because none of us knew what we wanted. by the time we got our dinner and began to eat it was about 8. you know, if you've read my past entries, that i've undoubtedly waited too long to eat and the wolf within should be making an appearance right about this time...but not tonight, baby! the wolf rested. i sipped soda, as little as i could, with my meal and chewed each bite more than thoroughly and took my time, eating as i'm supposed to and not with wolfen-like zeal. it was AWESOME! of course, i was still eating 30 minutes after everyone else, but the point was, i did it, it was easier than i thought and i didn't suffer the typical indegestion that accompanies the wolf-within. YAY! there is hope.
one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
let's try not to awaken the sleeping giant within...
one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
it's all i can do. miracles don't happen overnight.
pax,
margo
again today, i came home from work and took a nap til 6:40. from here, we went to dinner with the family. it took a little bit of time because still-sleepy-me took the long way. we gave the group ahead of us our spot in line because none of us knew what we wanted. by the time we got our dinner and began to eat it was about 8. you know, if you've read my past entries, that i've undoubtedly waited too long to eat and the wolf within should be making an appearance right about this time...but not tonight, baby! the wolf rested. i sipped soda, as little as i could, with my meal and chewed each bite more than thoroughly and took my time, eating as i'm supposed to and not with wolfen-like zeal. it was AWESOME! of course, i was still eating 30 minutes after everyone else, but the point was, i did it, it was easier than i thought and i didn't suffer the typical indegestion that accompanies the wolf-within. YAY! there is hope.
one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
let's try not to awaken the sleeping giant within...
one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
it's all i can do. miracles don't happen overnight.
pax,
margo
Thursday, February 4, 2010
One Bite at a Time
i didn't post anything yesterday.
there was not much to say. but i did manage to eat like a "normal" person and not some wolf-dyson hybrid. i chewed each bite very thoroughly, avoided drinking fluids 30 minutes prior to (and during) mealtime, ate mostly lean meats (chicken chicken chicken), and put my fork down while i chewed.
not today.
today, wolfie was back with a vengeance. apparently, i upset the wolf within and practically inhaled my food. both lunch and dinner. no breakfast is the cause of my speed-lunch and waiting til 8PM tonight to eat dinner was the cause of my speed-dinner. why why WHY does that make such a big damn difference? i can NOT control it! what the HELL?!? i know i'm not starving. i know i'm not going to whither away to nothing if i don't eat this so fast i can't even taste it, but i do it anyway! it's annoying! yesterday, i didn't even finish my food at dinner. today, don was barely starting his burger and my dinner was done. and i'm STILL hungry!
ridiculous.
i cannot wait til i can finally meet with dr. c so we can nail down this issue and make it stop. i know waiting til 8PM to eat dinner was a stupid thing to do, but i fell asleep when i came home and didn't wake up til 7:40. i couldn't help it. sometimes, nothing but a nap will do.
i know that eating with wolfen-like zeal is not normal. i've watched don go an entire day without eating and still take small to normal bites of whatever side of beef he decided to dine on and still eat slowly. why can't i do that? i know i've got to stop this because i will get violently ill if i eat that quickly after the procedure. ah well...one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
pax,
margo
there was not much to say. but i did manage to eat like a "normal" person and not some wolf-dyson hybrid. i chewed each bite very thoroughly, avoided drinking fluids 30 minutes prior to (and during) mealtime, ate mostly lean meats (chicken chicken chicken), and put my fork down while i chewed.
not today.
today, wolfie was back with a vengeance. apparently, i upset the wolf within and practically inhaled my food. both lunch and dinner. no breakfast is the cause of my speed-lunch and waiting til 8PM tonight to eat dinner was the cause of my speed-dinner. why why WHY does that make such a big damn difference? i can NOT control it! what the HELL?!? i know i'm not starving. i know i'm not going to whither away to nothing if i don't eat this so fast i can't even taste it, but i do it anyway! it's annoying! yesterday, i didn't even finish my food at dinner. today, don was barely starting his burger and my dinner was done. and i'm STILL hungry!
ridiculous.
i cannot wait til i can finally meet with dr. c so we can nail down this issue and make it stop. i know waiting til 8PM to eat dinner was a stupid thing to do, but i fell asleep when i came home and didn't wake up til 7:40. i couldn't help it. sometimes, nothing but a nap will do.
i know that eating with wolfen-like zeal is not normal. i've watched don go an entire day without eating and still take small to normal bites of whatever side of beef he decided to dine on and still eat slowly. why can't i do that? i know i've got to stop this because i will get violently ill if i eat that quickly after the procedure. ah well...one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
pax,
margo
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Support Can Be Beautiful
i've had some folks concerned about the procedure and the drastic changes that must take place for optimum success.
they're worried.
i'm worried.
they're concerned.
i'm concerned.
we should be. obviously i have issues with eating, emotional eating, depression, mood stability and willpower.
that's why i'm having this procedure - because i need something that will help me be full, faster. for me, cutting away or stapling off most of my stomach is too severe and way too scary for me to consider. an outpatient procedure that is completely 100% reversible with little to no negative side effects seems like the best way to jump start my new life. i joke about eating like the chihuahuas and becoming a human cuisinart but i do that to make it easier for me to deal with. i know that what i'm about to take on is a huge change but i do have support. i have the support of friends and family who love me and will stand by me and help me no matter what. i also have friends who've undergone the same procedure with the same doctors at the same hospital and followed the same program. and the hospital also has a support group of patients of dr. c and company that i will have full access to whenever i feel like i need that extra bit of help.
no one wants me to fail.
most importantly me.
i don't want me to fail.
you see, when you're 200 lbs overweight and in my situation, failure means death. how can i die when i haven't even started really living yet?
thanks for your support,
margo
they're worried.
i'm worried.
they're concerned.
i'm concerned.
we should be. obviously i have issues with eating, emotional eating, depression, mood stability and willpower.
that's why i'm having this procedure - because i need something that will help me be full, faster. for me, cutting away or stapling off most of my stomach is too severe and way too scary for me to consider. an outpatient procedure that is completely 100% reversible with little to no negative side effects seems like the best way to jump start my new life. i joke about eating like the chihuahuas and becoming a human cuisinart but i do that to make it easier for me to deal with. i know that what i'm about to take on is a huge change but i do have support. i have the support of friends and family who love me and will stand by me and help me no matter what. i also have friends who've undergone the same procedure with the same doctors at the same hospital and followed the same program. and the hospital also has a support group of patients of dr. c and company that i will have full access to whenever i feel like i need that extra bit of help.
no one wants me to fail.
most importantly me.
i don't want me to fail.
you see, when you're 200 lbs overweight and in my situation, failure means death. how can i die when i haven't even started really living yet?
thanks for your support,
margo
Monday, February 1, 2010
Hungry Like the Wolf
wolfen-like zeal.
that's the best way to describe how i eat. wolfen-like zeal. daintiness is not one of my better qualities unless i'm on a date (not in the past 5 years) or at a fancy shmancy restaurant, heavy on the shmance. i don't know why i eat with such wolfen-like zeal, but i do know that it gets worse the longer i wait to eat. this is why i snack between meals - to help scale back that wolfie behavior at the dinner table. the reason i bring this up is because i have to learn to chew my food beyond thoroughly and wait one full minute between bites after the surgery. i should be trying to work on that now as i've got enough changes to get used to soon and very soon, but i just can't do it. tonight's dinner is a great example; i had a pretty decent lunch (subway turkey melt - only 14g fat+sun chips and one chocolate chip cookie) and i didn't have anything else at all til dinner. tonight's dinner was hot dogs with chili and cheese. it wasn't a high fat dinner, either - i only cook 98% fat free turkey dogs so that we can add the chili and cheese.
i ate 4 in 10 minutes.
and then proceeded to howl at the moon.
i do this every single time i wait too long to eat. why is that? i'm obviously not going to starve and i know i'm not the only person on the planet who does this.
do you do this?
i do this.
i don't want to do this anymore.
i want to eat like a lady.
not like a stray dog.
not like a high school linebacker.
not like a wolf.
this will probably be the most difficult transition for me to adjust to but i have to do it. i've still not started the "no drinking liquids 30 minutes before and during meals" rule, nor have i begun any semblance of a low-carb life. and it's still too damn cold to go to the pool. tomorrow i will snack on celery with light cream cheese and dill and try to remember to take small bites, chew til it's completely unrecognizable and wait 1 full minute between bites. i'll let you know how it goes.
wish me luck!
pax,
margo
that's the best way to describe how i eat. wolfen-like zeal. daintiness is not one of my better qualities unless i'm on a date (not in the past 5 years) or at a fancy shmancy restaurant, heavy on the shmance. i don't know why i eat with such wolfen-like zeal, but i do know that it gets worse the longer i wait to eat. this is why i snack between meals - to help scale back that wolfie behavior at the dinner table. the reason i bring this up is because i have to learn to chew my food beyond thoroughly and wait one full minute between bites after the surgery. i should be trying to work on that now as i've got enough changes to get used to soon and very soon, but i just can't do it. tonight's dinner is a great example; i had a pretty decent lunch (subway turkey melt - only 14g fat+sun chips and one chocolate chip cookie) and i didn't have anything else at all til dinner. tonight's dinner was hot dogs with chili and cheese. it wasn't a high fat dinner, either - i only cook 98% fat free turkey dogs so that we can add the chili and cheese.
i ate 4 in 10 minutes.
and then proceeded to howl at the moon.
i do this every single time i wait too long to eat. why is that? i'm obviously not going to starve and i know i'm not the only person on the planet who does this.
do you do this?
i do this.
i don't want to do this anymore.
i want to eat like a lady.
not like a stray dog.
not like a high school linebacker.
not like a wolf.
this will probably be the most difficult transition for me to adjust to but i have to do it. i've still not started the "no drinking liquids 30 minutes before and during meals" rule, nor have i begun any semblance of a low-carb life. and it's still too damn cold to go to the pool. tomorrow i will snack on celery with light cream cheese and dill and try to remember to take small bites, chew til it's completely unrecognizable and wait 1 full minute between bites. i'll let you know how it goes.
wish me luck!
pax,
margo
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