6 months in a leaky boat

when i started this, i promised to spare no detail, no matter how icky, painful or humiliating...so here goes.

it has been a tumultuous 6 months.
in december i decided to take a break from my diet and enjoy the holidays. that was my first mistake. the holidays came and went and my eating didn't change. as much. i started back on my diet during the week but broke it all to hell on the weekends. then, something very bad happened. (ashley, if you read this, please don't tell your mom) i had 2 back to back miscarriages. i didn't even know i could get preggers so you can imagine my surprise when i started getting sick and realized what was going on. at 42, chances of conception are very slim. and when you have polycystic ovaries, chances are even slimmer. those 2 incidents lead to my descension into carb madness. i started eating whatever i wanted, drinking sodas, icees, having desserts, etc. i even started baking and decorating cakes but i was eating my products, too. because of the carbs, because of the "wolfen-like zeal" with which i eat my food again, my stomach is bloated, my ankles are swollen and i swear to allah i can feel folds of fat around my trachea (they weren't there before). i'm depressed, my knees hurt, i feel fatter than ever (even if my saint of a husband swears i haven't gained any weight) and my panic at the idea of being diabetic again or reaching 376 again is keeping me from sleeping like a normal person (not that i have a real frame of reference - i've never slept like a normal person).

i'm mean, and more than a little defensive about my weight and whatever i put into my mouth, and i've been kinda shitty to those who care enough to try and poke the lion with a stick. to those of you who have expressed care and concern, thank you. you were right, i was wrong. and i was right, too. it wasn't until yesterday that i realized how deeply those miscarriages affected me. i never wanted kids until i met my husband. then, because of age, e.coli and whatever the hell else happened to us, we gave up. so to have that taken away just as you're finding out about it was more than i could handle by myself. but in true "margo" style, i kept my mouth shut and ate away the hurt. now it's time to move on.
wish me luck.
pax,
margo