skinny jeans or curvy jeans?

well, old number 7 had to be retired. the jeans that i hadn't been able to wear since i met my hubby are now too big. just too big. i swear i could fit a watermelon in the crotch and thighs! so this weekend, me, hubby and deer friend bo went on a marathon shopping spree to try and clothe the incredible shrinking woman...in skinny jeans.

a 42 year old 300 lb person wearing skinny jeans? no flippin' way. that was my thought exactly when these first appeared in town. until i tried them on. wow. my ass looks amazing! seriously! and the muscles in my thighs look insane! which begs the question: should we call them skinny jeans or curvy jeans?

skinny jeans are for skinny, emo kids who have zero body fat. curvy jeans are for women (not girls) who have hips, thighs, and asses. i will no longer refer to my jeans as "skinny" - from this point forward, they will be CURVY jeans. i urge all WOMEN who wear them to call them that...except paris hilton...she's just as emaciated as those emo kids.

have a good night, y'all!
m

shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes

i'm still shrinking but i haven't stepped on a scale since the last surgeon's appointment so i don't know what the number is.

but i will say this - the jeans, old number 7, that i took too long to try on are now TOO BIG!

and i will add this - everyone told me my feet would shrink, too, and i took it with a grain of salt because, really, i don't think i have fat feet. but they were right! i love shoes and because i love shoes, i feel the need to own as many as i can! but when i blew up, i could no longer wear my sky-high heels so they sat in their specially labeled boxes, squirreled away in my closet. i wore crocs and flip-flops and tennis shoes because i was too heavy to walk on the balls of my feet and my feet were too fat to fit into my beautiful shoes (but i was in denial about that). plus the depression kept me from wanting to make myself pretty so i dressed like a shlub and shlubs don't wear pretty shoes, they wear crocs and flip-flops (exclusively).

UNTIL TODAY!

i was just playing in my closet and decided to try on the contents of the canvas boxes and lo and behold - THEY ALL FIT! and not only do they all fit, they all fit like they were made for me! they fit better now than they did when i bought them! except one pair - one pair of pointy, shiny black pumps with opalescent glitter swishes all over are way too big now. i suspected that would happen because they've always been big but now they're HUGE! if you all know of any really tall drag queens who might like them, let me know. i seriously only wore them twice. if i could find something to put between me and the heel of the shoe i could keep them but i think that'd be grossly uncomfortable and not very pretty. or practical.

one of these days i'll take pictures of my closet filled with shoes.

so i don't want to, but i'm forced to go shopping this weekend for underpants and jeans. the underpants i bought 4 months ago are now so big i feel like i'm wearing those clown pants that have the hula-hoop waistband. and i'm fresh out of jeans. all 7 pair are just too big and that's a great feeling! i just hope i can find some on sale!

have a great night!
pax,
margo

FINALLY!!!

so here i am. i've not been away slacking off, i just didn't have anything to write. i was bored, discouraged and frustrated and not losing as much weight as i wanted to or should have been. so i did what any lapband geek should do.

i got another adjustment.

and here i am, one week later. i can sum up my week with 4 words: holy flaming shitballs, batman! in one week i can see and feel a HUGE difference with my body! my legs are shrinking so much, my pants fit like jodhpurs! my tummy and hips are shrinking so much you can see my ass again! YES, LORD! i am now officially a size 24! i am now the same size i was the day i met my husband! how do i know this? allow me to expound...

i have 7 pairs of jeans in varying sizes. some fit, some don't. i figured i'd be ok avoiding shopping for a while because i could just use whichever of the 7 pairs of jeans fit. the first pair were worn all summer. i finally had to stop wearing them in september when they dropped to my ankles while i was walking across the living room to the kitchen. the second pair are still good but are capri length and won't do well in cold weather. pair 3 are jeans my mom bought me for xmas last year. i can smuggle virginia hams in them now. pair 4 now fit like yoga pants. pairs 5 and 6 fit like jodhpurs - think col. potter in mash. so we're down to pair 7. there's nothing special about these jeans. they're dark, lee riders from wal-mart that i bought YEARS ago. i haven't been able to wear them since i bought them. until TODAY! i tried on every single pair of jeans in my cache and these were the only ones that fit! YES! but also NOOOOOOO it's a month before xmas and now i have to shop for ME instead of getting a jump on xmas gifts! i'm not sure how this is going to play out but at least i have one good pair of jeans that make my butt look amazing!

have a great night, y'all!
pax,
m

so let's see...the last post was about issues with the insurance company...and that has all been resolved. the $15K bill for the surgeon has been covered by my insurance company! my only responsibility is a $40 copay! and the $85K hospital bill has been paid as well, and already paid the $200 copay at admission. my only outstanding responsibility is a bill for anesthesia for $120 and we're done! WHEEE!

well interesting changes are happening to me. i thought i was going through menopause but apparently, i was wrong. pms gave me a 4lb weight gain but the surgeon didn't believe me so he adjusted my band. i felt the adjustment for the first 2 days but now? not so much. don't get me wrong - my portions have diminished, just not as much as i had been told they would. and i don't get nearly as hungry anymore. in fact, most days, i skip lunch entirely because i'm either nauseated or full from breakfast. but i noticed if i skip lunch, i eat more at dinner so i don't know what to do.

my weight last friday (9-24) was 320 (pms water weight). i haven't checked this week but i'm guessing i have a 4 lb loss.
wish me luck!
m

cutting my losses

hello my old friend...it's been a while, eh?

apologies for the hiatus but there hasn't been much lap band business to update. at the last nutritionist visit, i was told to eat from all of the food groups to make sure nothing reacted negatively with the band. so i've been doing that but being healthy and cognizant of what i eat so that i don't repeat bad patterns or habits. the only bread i've eaten is rye or whole grain and the only desserts i have are sugar free or very low sugar (carb smart bars) and i'm sticking to my 1 dr pepper a month edict, too. despite my restrictions, i still worry about weight gain and have been dreading the next visit with her on the 15th. so imagine my surprise when i saw myself in the mirror and saw more weight loss! from the front, i'm not as wide and my profile is nowhere near as distorted as it was and is starting to look normal!

on the downside, i'm having trouble with my insurance company and my have to file bankruptcy because they don't seem to want to pay for $37K of the procedures i had but if that happens, there's nothing i can do except call yoda.

send good thoughts my way, people.
i need all of the help i can get.
pax,
m

spoiled ass

i am so spoiled. i got my new phone and it's so high tech it needs its own purse! it came with earbuds, a charger, a tether cable to connect it to my pc and a bunch of guides. i bought it a desktop cradle, an extra battery with its own charging doc and power cable, a snap on case, and polarized screen protectors to keep it from getting scratched and so no one can see what i'm looking at. and it acts as a hotspot so i was able to give up my aircard. i am so spoiled.

so i went to a group nutritionist meeting today and they told me they want me to eat bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, etc! apparently i need to be able to eat anything with the band and this part of the after care diet is to test that. i told them i had problems with bread and chicken breast and tuna and she told me to dip it in a sauce or mayo! MAYO?? ok...and they don't expect any weight loss with this next stage because i need to really eat. my meals should be 50% protein, 25% carb and 25% veg and the carb should be fruit. i'm also to eat 60g of protein a day and i can go back to the pool whenever i want! yay! i'll probably do that this weekend. i just get so bored sometimes but i think since it's been so hot and i've not set foot near a pool in a couple of months i should be ok with the repetitiveness of laps...i just hope i have a suit that fits! i've got 4 of them in varying sizes so i think all bases are covered.

so apparently a nasty little side effect of this band is weird burps. they're fast, without warning, audible and painful. imagine a ping pong or golf ball materializing at the top of your stomach and just literally shooting out of you within 3 seconds and having no way to surpress it! and it hurts. a lot. and it's noisy. like a dog bark...like MY dog's bark! it sounds like tygrrr lilly's bark - low and growly and weird. and it's got a popping quality that you have to hear to understand. i'm lucky, too, because the lady at group has farts like that so i'm not complaining. can you imagine shooting ping pong balls out of your butt?!? that's a whole 'nother kind of spoiled ass that i am blessed not to have.

have a great night!
pax,
margo

Solid Food

so i went to surgeon today...i lost 9 lbs since the surgery. depending on the scale, i weigh 317, 324, or 321. i stepped on 3 different scales last week and got 3 different numbers so i just subtract 9 lbs from each and go with the lowest, of course. surgeon said i am to stop drinking protein shakes after friday and eat a steak dinner, too. i am to start eating solid foods, too. he asked if i've eaten solid food and i didn't lie. i didn't tell the whole truth, but i didn't lie. i told him i had cubed chicken this weekend but i didn't tell him i had grilled polenta with italian sausage at delores del rio after the kenny loggins concert with my hubby and our date, bert. i figure the diet instructions said whatever i could run through the food processor i could eat...if i chew enough, i act like a food processor so what the hell!

the other thing i didn't tell him was that i could eat bread. i ate bread friday, i ate bread saturday and i ate bread sunday. i'm glad, though, that i didn't say anything because as it turns out, i cannot eat bread. i ate a piece of harvest wheat bread today that damn near killed me. it just didn't want to go down so i've learned my lesson. but the same thing happened with a chicken breast i roasted so who knows?

i'm trying to use the new coping mechanism of guitar and it worked! i had grown bored with the same 3 songs over and over again and guitar teacher is taking a hiatus from texas so i just stopped practicing. tonight, though, something came over me and i taught myself patsy cline's version of your cheating heart!!! i'm so excited! i strummed and sang and figured out a strumming pattern! YAY!

so back to the band thing...it's not been a pleasant week. i've been plagued with all kinds of ick that has been painful and not something i wish to go into great detail about, but suffice it to say, i thought my old friend e.coli had returned. turns out, it's a very common side effect of post surgical lapband camp. it's a combination of the liquid vicodin, liquid diet and detox of the drugs and dyes used in the surgery. and it's over. it stopped saturday so i'm a happy girl. that's why i've been back on solid food a little earlier than planned...i even roasted a chicken tonight and even though i put the oven a wee bit too high, papa loved it because it was home made. tomorrow we'll have some kind of chicken breast...maybe orange honey glazed chicken breast with steamed broccoli...i think cooking awakened my domestic goddess again, too...i washed every dish in the house and cleaned out the fridge. let's see if we can't get the beast of a bedroom cleaned, too. wish me luck with that one!

have a good night!
pax,
m

8-24-10

today i went back to work. shit. i should have stayed home. the front door wouldn't lock so don stayed home and waited for maintenance. then, the asm failed to show up and called in at 7:45 and the keymasters would not answer their phones or texts. we were outside waiting until 10:45 so i wasted 3 hours on this girl and things just got worse from that point on. i got inside and found that the hotel we booked for next month's meeting SOLD ALL OF OUR ROOMS! she tried to say that earlier this month she didn't have enough but i reminded her that i blocked those rooms in may. it's useless to fight with her about it because it's not going to get us our rooms back.

i guess the stress was too much for me because shortly thereafter i got sick. nauseated, hot and cold at the same time, exhausted, weak and a little dizzy. the idea of the protein shakes nauseates me now...i'm sick of chocolate. now, before you go off about the wonders of chocolate, let me explain that i have never been a big fan of sweets. this fat suit is primarily comprised of fountain cokes, cans of dr pepper, fast food, pizza, pasta, biscuits, tortillas, dinner rolls and chips & dips. i crave salt. i do not crave sugar. so all of these damned protein shakes that are supposed to taste like ice cream are just nauseating to me. just because i'm fat does not mean i crave sugar! i need a protein shake that tastes like jim's canadian cheese soup or la madelene tomato soup or something. a pizza flavored shake wouldn't work...too vomity...mac & cheese? buttered biscuit...something savory. ah well...i can dream...

i found a powdered protein mix flavored like alpine punch. i mix it in water or juice or s/f lemonade and that's it! no more chocolate! and just in time for phase 2 of my liquid diet. tomorrow i can have cream of wheat, grits, thicker soups...i'm so excited about the cream of wheat!!!

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...
wish me luck!

oh and today i had 1 protein shake, 1 s/f jello, 1 cup of broth and 6oz of cheese soup mixed with beef broth. oh and half of an isopure zero carb green tea (40g of protein but i had onl 20g - papa finished the rest). tomorrow is CREAM OF WHEAT! Hello DINERS!!!

8-23-10

today i had an atkins vanilla shake and a mug of chicken broth for brunch and it took 2 hours to consume that. for dinner, i had s/f pink lemonade, a s/f popsicle, a mug of soup, and half of a bariatric shake. am stuffed. getting a headache and ready to go to bed...but not without my liquid vicodin. the pain/soreness subsided a lot today and i went to mom's with the daisy dog to put away a mary kay order for her. the incisions are healing nicely, especially the one in the center where my port is. i dread going to work tomorrow because of a boatload of e-mails waiting for me from all over the country. it's my week to handle customer complaints. whee! i guess i'll take broth with me to work tomorrow...i don't know what else i can have besides broth. at least tomorrow's the last day for that. not sure if i can have coffee...i miss it terribly!

can someone burp me? please?

It's In!

ok so i had my surgery and here are the details:

friday: got up at 3:30AM and showered, put on yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt and black flip flops, packed my laptop, phone cord and giant purse and kissed the puppies on the noses. grabbed the hubby and headed off to mom's at 4:45am. got to mom's, left the jeep, my purse and my keys and headed off to the hospital. got there at 5:15 and waited for godzilla, the check in monster to finally realize we were there to be admitted. got a room and changed into my giant hospital gown and left my stuff with my mom and hubby. got wheeled over to pre-op and was given lots of drugs. got wheeled over to the or and was given more drugs. i didn't like that room. i remember looking up and seeing the lights and noticing how ugly it was and depressing it was and i just got an icky vibe. out like a light. woke up to the shouts of my surgeon yelling at me and accusing me of not dieting at all because he claims my liver was so big and bloated he almost cancelled the surgery. i told him i ate solid food AND the shakes and never went over 10g of carbs a day but he didn't listen. he just yelled some more and walked out and i passed out again. he called my hubby and told him everything went very well and there were no complications or issues at all. at that point they told me they were keeping me overnight because the insurance thought it would be a good idea. but first they had me go to radiology and drink BARIUM so they could see if my hiatal hernia really was fixed. it was so they wheeled me to my room. my room. wow. my suite is more like it! i don't know how i rated this room but it was amazing! hardwood floors, 2 leather couches, plasma tv and the view was insane! AND there was enough room for 2 more beds! they finally found mom and don and escorted them to the room and i was becoming more coherent when they brought breakfast. i told them i was only supposed to have ice chips but they said no, i had to be on a liquid diet. so breakfast was clear broth, orange jello, hot tea, and some protein powder in skim milk. i didn't want it so it sat for a couple of hours. finally at about 10 i ate/drank it (but not the jello). then an hour later they brought me lunch. more of the same but with the addition of a s/f popsicle and crystal light lemonade. the soup tasted awful...like warm water with a brown crayon in it. my dad and sister showed up right at lunch and stayed for a bit. everyone left at about the same time and i fell asleep again. later on, mom came back with laura and the kids and they had some accident in the parking garage (some doc speeding in without paying attention) so i barely saw my mom. the kids and i walked the halls so i could get my circulation going and then it was time for them to leave. i got my laptop out and went on facebook and posted and watched a little tv and fell asleep again.

saturday: don came back for me and mom stayed downstairs anticipating a quick discharge - no such luck. she eventually had to park and come up and wait. i was dressed and ready to go and was getting very antsy to see my daisy dog! finally they released me and off we went to my mom's. we stayed there and i had half a protein shake and broth while they ate whataburger. i played the sims, watched tv, chilled out, took a shower and the best part was that my daisy dog was there with me! don picked her up when we stopped at my house for my shower things! he said she spent friday at the door waiting for me so i had to see her! we finally went home and had to fight the dogs off of me with a stick! they all wanted to sniff my tummy! i had some more broth and we went to the store so i could walk around. i bought s/f calcium chews, s/f jello and one a day gummy vitamins.

how do i feel? hungry, hurting, bloated, tired and stiff. luckily i have 2 huge bottles of liquid vicodin to ease the pain! i can't laugh, i can't cough, i can't sneeze and i cannot exorcise this demon gas out of me. and i can't eat. and i can't play my guitar because i'm afraid it'll rub me the wrong way and my tummy is swollen. right now i do have pangs of regret but i know that this needed to happen. the immature part of me is throwing a fit because i can no longer eat whatever i want but the mature part of me is counting all 10 toes on 2 very long feet. and that's the reason i did this. my feet may not be flawless, but they're in tact, healthy and mine! and thanks to this silicone belt around my tummy, they'll stay that way!
today, i've eaten 1 protein shake and 1 cup of soup. and one s/f popsicle.
i'm hungry but it's a different kind of hungry...i can't explain...oh well, more tomorrow!

EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!

I never really paid attention to all that I go through because of my weight until Shanon pointed it out to me. wow. It made me realize why my personality has taken a 180. I used to be spontaneous and outgoing and vivacious and daring and unpredictable...ask Hex. ask my sister. ask anyone who knew me 20 years ago.

One day, it stopped.

Probably when I heard some nasty fat joke at my expense.

Now I want to blend into the woodwork and be invisible and I pray no one notices me and I pretend I'm not as big as I really am. I don't like that. I don't like any of those feelings. That's not who I really am and I'm tired of supressing my real self because I've imprisoned myself in this fat suit. The thing about the booths vs. tables at restaurants has been a big tell...getting snarky looks from the waitresses when they ask, "Table or booth?" and they KNOW what the answer is. Never feeling that again is worth giving up pasta.

More people are asking if I'm excited about the surgery. The surgery is not the exciting part for me...it's a tool. I was talking to my mom tonight and she asked if I was excited. I told her Hex asked me the same question. I said, "If I was going to come out of the surgery 100 lbs lighter, I'd be excited. But I'm not. I'm coming out of the surgery with a boat load of plastic inside me so there really isn't anything to be excited about." She started laughing and said, "I guess you're right. I hadn't thought about it." I said, "I just want to get it over with so I can get on with my life and start losing weight. I know I've lost between 45 - 50 lbs but I'm ready to lose more." That's it. That's why I'm not excited. It's just another step. A big step, but still only a step.

I would like to take this time to acknowledge a couple of first steps that are direct results of this endeavor: I can bend down to pick something up off of the floor using my KNEES and NOT my back (bending at the knees and not the waist)! AND I can feel the breeze on my throat because my double chin is shrinking! YES, LORD! PROGRESS!!!!!

EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!
(my new battle cry)

A Hammock for the Dogs?

Hex texted me today. He asked me if I was excited about the surgery as it was now 11 days away.
I said no.
I said this was nothing to be proud of.
I said I was ashamed of myself for having to resort to such drastic measures because I obviously had no self control.
He tried to play the "it's genetic" card but I know better.
I countered with "GENETICS?!? NO ONE IN MY FAMILY LOOKS LIKE THIS!!!"

He left me alone after that.

Why was I not excited about this? This is sort of a life changing big fat (ha) hairy deal...shouldn't I be more excited? I know worrying about any excess skin is part of my trouble. It can be very discouraging when one reads about someone who weighs significantly less than me and has had no less than half a dozen plastic surgery procedures to remove the excess skin after her weight loss surgery. That scares the shit outta me. I know I'll be ok for the most part but what my tummy is going to look like after this is all over with has me quite nervous. I don't want to lose weight too quickly because that's a key factor in that excess skin thing. And I do need to get my fat ass back in the pool, because exercise also helps keep the blob at bay. Everyone says because I'm young and blessed with good genes and have never been preggers I have nothing to worry about. I know I shouldn't worry because there's really nothing I can do about it. I guess in a worst case scenario I can make a skirt out of my tummy skin? Or an apron? Or a pair of capri pants? I can make the dogs a nice hammock, too...

So that's enough negative. Let's focus on the positive, shall we?

My friend Shanon e-mailed me today and her message really lifted my spirits. I've been big for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be "normal". I've forgotten some of the things "normal" folks take for granted...things like:

public restrooms - some stalls are so small there's no room for my purse
diner booths - i always opt for tables in restaurants for obvious reasons
flying - i'm terrified of being charged for two seats
smaller vehicles - my cousin got a mazda 3...today? no way.
movie seats - i only go where the arm rests lift up
furniture - each day i'm terrified my office chair is going to give out
laundry - imagine washing denim sheets...
towels - i use a beach towel at the gym because it covers everything
medium - the concept of medium seems like world peace at this point
soap - the more body you have to wash, the more soap it takes to wash it
parking - i won't have to drive in circles stalking folks for close parking
jewelry - i can wear regular jewelry!
pedicures - i can paint my toenails like a normal girl!
six flags - i can ride any ride i want at six flags!
seat belts - i can comfortably wear a seat belt without losing circulation
posture - i can stand up straight without extra weight!
shoes - i'll lose a shoe size or 2 so i can buy them at normal stores again!
rx - no more blood pressure meds!
$$$ - 1/2 a cup of food is cheaper than 3 cups of food...
bed - we have a queen right now and it's just too small...right now...
shame - people avoid looking at you when you're big; like it's contageous...

Having every single thing I put into my mouth scrutinized is probably something that will never go away but I know my family does it because they love me. I can live with that.

Now about that liquid diet...I didn't even last one day. I read many articles and "liver-shrinking diets" that bariatric surgeons put their patients on prior to surgery and they're just very low carb diets. So I'm drinking a bariatric shake for breakfast and having a zero carb lunch and dinner. If I want to snack I have a sugar free popsicle or another shake. I do not feel guilty and I have no problem lying to my surgeon. I will probably do an all shake day tomorrow, though, and let Don have McDonalds. I can always snack on some cheese or something. Let me tell you, that first day did SUCK. I wanted to rip his lips off because he was chewing and I sat there drinking that stupid shake. I wanted to chew something, too! So I ate cold turkey hot dogs and some baby bel cheese. I felt like a junkie. See, the problem isn't the liquid...it's the sweet. I've never been one who has to eat sweets daily. I crave salt. Anyone will tell you...Don's always threatening to hang a slot block over the bed for me. So having 3 to 5 sweet drinks and ZERO salt was just too much for me to handle. Tomorrow I'll try protein drinks and salty snacks. I'll let you know if it works.
Until then,
PAX,
margo

the countdown begins...

after a 3 and 1/2 month hiatus, i've returned to my blog. there wasn't much to report and i was learning guitar and playing the sims 3 so there was no time left for this.

however

i just got my surgery date so the countdown begins!

my surgery is on august 20. so far, i've lost 42 lbs on the low carb diet set forth by nutritionist. prior to surgery, i will be put on a liquid diet of special bariatric shakes. i think i dread that more than being put under...i bought a $50 bag of chocolate flavored shake mix from the doctors' office and i start that on thursday the 5th. i ate mexican food yesterday (carbs) and i ate carbs today...

since the last post a few things have happened - our baby fish speedo passed away and my beautiful canine niece coco also passed away. my heart has been broken by these deaths. on a more positive note, don, savannah and i have all had birthdays so it hasn't been all bad...

my clothes are almost all too big to wear anymore. even new underpants that are all 3 months old are so big i feel like i'm in a sleeping bag when i wear them to bed! and i cannot sleep nekked so i never get any sleep anymore! and nutritionist told me not to buy any clothes for a couple of months...this is gonna be a long couple of months...

so with that bit of completely useless information, i bid you good night. i shall be back to share my experiences with the liquid diet when i start it. i need a blender first.
pax,
margo

yay and stuff

so i lost two more lbs! that's a total of 28 lbs since january! yay and stuff but even more importantly, my fasting blood sugar has dropped from 160 to 139 since february! that is a true blessing! i have even more motivation than before! in fact, i went to an italian restaurant this evening with friends and every single dish had pasta except the polenta...so i ordered the polenta which is ok because it's corn meal (semolina) and i can have small servings of corn products but no white flour which is the main component of pasta. i had never had polenta before and now i regret not having that because it was delish! omg how can something so good be legal?!? the dish was polenta with italian sausage and peppers but it was just 4 small strips of grilled polenta and a whole mess of sausage, sauce, peppers and onion. it was all good but the polenta stole the show. i need to make some this weekend, before i start no-carbing.

my skin is all bumpy again. i bought some of clinique's rosacea products to help my little pink problem and i am now pink and bumpy. and the more signs of old age appeared last week - vertical lines around my lips causing my beloved red lipstick to feather. i had to break down and buy elizabeth arden's lip fix to combat that nasty little issue. want a secret to great lips if you're going to wear extra matte lipstick (like mac's ruby woo)? go to sleep with burt's bees lip balm or aveda's lip balm on the night before you're going to go matte - the lipstick goes on more smoothly and so does your lip liner. if your lips are wind burned or super chapped, you might want to hold off on the matte lipsticks for a bit until you can get them smoothe first - talk to my mom about satin lips by mary kay.

tomorrow we go see yoda for our big check. the rowland's own book of the almost dead will officially come to a close. wow. i want a new laptop and papa wants a bass - those are the only luxuries we're allowing ourselves (except i also get a big-ass zebra striped dooney on clearance at macy's since my louis vuitton was stolen over a year ago and still hasn't been replaced). then i can come home and take a well-deserved and much needed nap.

time for bed!
have a great night!
m

progression succession

so i went back to the gym tuesday and i met my nemesis, the scale. the last time i stepped on that specific scale it was a ginormous wake up call...it screamed "376 lbs!!!!" at me...so i made the decision to visit dr. c and company for lapband surgery. after 2 visits with nutritionist and serious willpower, i've lost 26 lbs! so goodbye 376 and hello 350! this is so awesome! i seriously had given up hope and never thought that i would have this much success after only 2 months! whoever said low carb diets are crap is seriously deluded and the usda is higher than whitney houston for trying to shove so much bread down our throats. we do not need to eat so much dough! i'm sure back when we were all sharecroppers and there was minimal transportation a serious intake of simple carbs was necessary but in these days of sedentary workstations, personal vehicles, convenience, video games, computers and the like, there is no need for easy fuel. if you don't believe me, watch jamie oliver - he's got a point.

i eat little to no bread - multigrain 99% of the time, wheat every other time. i eat no potatoes (one on good friday) - hubby will attest. i eat no sugar (one cupcake at easter is all the sugar i've had since my first meeting with nutritionist). i eat no pasta. i drink no sodas, not even diet - sugar free lemonade, water with lemon or unsweet tea and no-fat/lactose free milk are the only drinks for me and i like it. my teeth are whiter and i don't burp like a sailor anymore. sounds like i've given up a lot, doesn't it?
not...
i eat pretty damn luxuriously for someone who's lost 26 lbs in 2 months - for example, i eat a lot of chicken and i leave the skin on - nothing batter-fried, though. jason's deli has an awesome chicken salad made with pineapple and almonds and a 7 oz scoop only has 300 calories (mayo) - have that with fruit and it's heavenly. at home i cook ribeyes or top sirloin or chicken breasts and we eat steamed veggies with some sort of cheese sauce. if we eat out, i get a bowl of cheese soup, an omelette with ham and cheese, bacon, and fruit. at chinese buffets i get any kind of batter FREE chicken and fruit. at bbq places, chicken with no sauce. at burger joints i get double cheeseburgers and toss the buns. even at whataburger i got a triple and a salad and a s/f lemonade and the dogs ate the buns and the croutons from the salad and it was awesome! today at the mexican restaurant by my office, hex and i ate pretty well - he had a giant burrito that only cost $5 and i had 4 tacos - beef fajita and carrrrrne asada and unsweet tea - but i only ate one tortilla and left the rest (he took them away to keep me honest). it's really easy if you try and i seriously don't feel deprived. chick-fil-a is a great place to eat because you can sub fruit for the waffle fries and the diet lemonade is pretty intense. stay away from the chick-fil-a sauce though - it's mayonaise based and has way too much bad stuff in it - a good substitute is their honey roasted bbq sauce. tastes the same but with 1/4 of the calories. sonic is also jumping on the bandwagon - i still don't like their food but they offer apple slices in lieu of tots or fries and they let you buy them as separate items (opt out of the fat-free caramel sauce because it's just sugar and that's bad)and they sell minute maid lite lemonade (my drink of choice at fast food places). an easy breakfast you can have is a metrx big 100 bar - they're inexpensive, loaded with protein and way tasty! my favorites are the peanut butter cookie dough and chocolate chip cookie dough bars... they're truly decadent and only have 25g of carbs. i eat them with the n/f+l/f milk and stay full. their chocolate brownie is really good, too but remember - these are meal replacement bars, not snacks or desserts. fruit is probably the one thing i eat more than anything else - the fruit cup stands all over the city are better places to buy your fruit than the grocery store. i bought 10 lbs of peeled, cut up fruit for $15!!! you can't beat that. my other favorite snack is cucumbers with girard caesar dressing - love it! i eat a lot but am still losing and have only exercised once...something's working...
now if i could just get my memory to work...
ah well - one thing at a time...
have a good night!
m

yowza

yowza it's been a while since i've done this...
march 20? jeepers.
well let's see what's been happening since then, shall we?

the lithium working very well! dressing like a girl everyday, makeup in place, nails painted red to match any one of the 10 shades of red lipstick in my purse, new shoes, new clothes, new outlook, new mood. i'm eating right, despite today's lapse of 20 ounces of dr pepper taken to try and kill a sinus headache that turned into a migrane...adderall needs reinforcements, though. i'm not paying attention to stuff like i had been. i find myself drifting or multi-tasking too much and not concentrating on whoever is talking. it's better than it was before the meds but not that much...

i've been working really well. we have a big meeting coming up on the 12th and i've been booking flights, personalizing maps, reserving rooms, conference rooms, arguing with the hotelier, arranging catering and what not - very busy but i love it!

i met with the nutritionist again. i'm not hating it...actually, i like it. the only downside is writing down every single thing i eat - not because i have anything to hide, just because i can never remember to do it. if i didn't have a blackberry it'd never get done. my entries go something like this:
breakfast - 16 oz n/f milk, 1 metrx big 100
snack - 1.5C cut up fruit
lunch - jason's deli - chicken salad salad, 1 sm fruit cup w/no frosting, s/f lemonade
snack - 1/2 cucmber w/2T caesar dressing
dinner - 1 lg salmon steak, 1 srv broccoli w/chz, 1 whole cucumber w/caesar dressing, s/f popsicle, s/f lemonade
does that make sense to you? could you figure out the abbreviations? n/f is non-fat, s/f is sugar-free, chz is cheese, T is tablespoon, C is cup. easy, huh? in the future, n/f+l/f will be non-fat+lactose-free but i'll save that for later.
that's a helluva lot of sugar-free lemonade, isn't it? i'm addicted, i think. wyler's has the best s/f lemonade and it's only a buck! and it's pink!!! their orange sunrise or whatever is awful but their pink lemonade rocks! i think it's my new blood type...i drink a lot of it, usually watered down with melted ice...

this eating plan is pretty easy but it's about to get a whole lot harder. 3 months before the surgery i'm going on a really strict no carb diet. right now the only restrictions are no sugar, no white flour, no potatoes and no rice - unless it's real brown rice with the bran hull on it. i can have multi-grain bread if there is no enriched flour listed in the ingredients, but not for much longer. i've been eating really well since we finally went to the grocery store last weekend. in fact, tonight was the first time we've eaten out since saturday! i've been cooking but i couldn't handle the fluorescent lights in the kitchen or the smell of food cooking because of the headache so we went to jims - i had soup, a ham & chz omelette with a side of bacon (2 strips), rye toast (rye flour, not enriched flour), fruit (subbed for hashbrowns) and s/f tea. yum! i tend to gravitate towards diners so i can order omelettes and fruit.

my headache finally vaporized but not without its stupid hangover - most of the time, the hangover is not remembering anything i did while i had the stupid headache, but today it's not being able to spell. i'll sleep it off in a bit, i'm sure. i plan on going shopping tomorrow so i hope it stays away. i'm off for the holiday and need something to wear for the family's easter saturday eggstravaganza. and i want a purse. wish me luck!
thanks for putting up with me...
pax,
m

right said red

i am obsessed with red lipstick.

obsessed.

today alone i bought 3 - one new one and 2 backups because revlon is 40% off at walgreens and they have a fabulous matte lipstick line. i'm on the hunt for another one, too - besame cosmetics has some fabulous lipsticks that are inspired by the red lipsticks of the golden era - 30s, 40s and 50s. they are gorgeous! and julie hewett also has some vintage-inspired lip colors that look pretty authentic. not sure if mail ordering lipstick in texas is the best idea so mac's russian red, viva glam 1, and my new palette of revlon reds will have to do until i can get my hot little hands on the others.

so why red when all i've been wanting to do is blend in to the sheetrock?
because i feel like a girl again. i care about what i eat, i care about my health, i care about my looks and how people see me and i was not born to blend in. anyone who knows me knows i was born to stand out...to be noticed...to stand apart...and i've been living in the shadows way too long.

red lipstick alone won't help me stand apart, though...i cannot imagine how...retarded i would look with my uncolored hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail, no make-up apart from the red lips, oversized sloppy t-shirt, loose capri pants and dirty orange crocs? yeah. i'm gonna pass.
i also bought some red nail polish and false eyelashes and even new shoes and clothes! yup - i'm making myself over. last weekend, laura took the hedgeclippers to my greek eyebrows and mom gave me 2 mary kay lipliners and an oil-free moisturizer to help my dried out skin. next week we go back to the gym because eating right isn't the only thing i need to do to look good. i love the iconic style of the 40s and 50s but the clothes don't look good on you if you weigh 359 lbs so after the surgery and a decent amount of lost weight, i'm diving into retro-land. my hair is already naturally wavy so i don't have to mess with that but i do need to learn how to pin it up in victory rolls and so forth but one step at a time. i need to learn the eyelashes first. i won't post any pictures until i've lost some more weight, but i will do it.
have a good night,
margo

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes...

the meds are really kicking in. the need to tell the world my business is dying (thank you lithium) so i've been blogging less and less. still, though, it is a cool thing i have here so i'll keep up with it as much as i can.

i like most of the changes that i'm experiencing but i do miss the fun, funky, quirkiness and, dare i say it, the mood swings...though i doubt anyone else misses them...i've started paying way more attention to what i eat (i'm sure my nutritionist will like that) and i really don't miss eating the bad stuff. i've started taking better care of my skin and actually taking my makeup off AND moisturizing! my mom is so pleased! oh and i've started wanting to dress like a girl again instead of a shlub...don't get me wrong, i just bought a pair of a&m crocs and you'll have to kill me to get my orange ones away from me...but today i went shopping for girl clothes, inspired after a visit to my closet. i found all kinds of stuff in there i had forgotten about so i bought some coordinating pieces to mix and match what i already had. and that brought about a closet cleaning expedition where lo and behold - i found a forgotten nearly new pair of black bandolino leather sandals that go with everything! yay! win win! i even spent saturday afternoon polishing all of my silver jewelry then sunday i had the batteries in my watches replaced. the only thing left to do is polish my nails and color my hair and i'd really rather leave that to the professionals. memory still sucks, though...lost my lab rx so i'll have to tell the doc to wait another month for my levels but...nobody's perfect.

have a great night, everyone...
m

Cheater Cheater, Pasta Eater!!!

it should be painfully evident from the title of tonight's rant that i've been unfaithful to my diet and nutritionist. i was too nervous and nauseous to eat so i blew off lunch until it was too late. i got a huge craving for pasta. and where can one get pasta quickly when one's husband doesn't want anything even remotely pasta-esque? the mall, of course. north star mall food court was the scene of my crime tonight. i had lasagne and pizza and a coke. i tried to have some kind of pink pasta but it was like noodles and spackle so i tossed it. i ate like a wolf. wolf wolf wolf. wolfen like zeal. damn. i had no shame, either, til now. now i'm wishing i had eaten a whole mess of fruit instead but regret is a feeling i am most familiar with. i've been pretty good so as long as i keep that "goodness" about me and remember to eat the way i'm supposed to, i'll not have too many more moments like tonight's.

so why the nerves+nausea? tomorrow's my endoscopy. and after working at primarily primates and listening to the vet and hearing how dangerous anesthesia can be and how the hardest part is waking the patient up is, i'm scared shitless. i haven't had anesthesia since i was 17 having my tonsils taken out. what if i don't wake up? please make sure daisy sniffs my body if i die. i want to be cremated and have my ashes spread at port aransas (be sneaky because it's illegal).

on that note, i shall go. i have but 1 hour and 45 minutes left to eat or drink anything until tomorrow afternoon. i need a vitamin water.
wish me luck!
m

my throat is the sahara

man, i thought my last hiatus was long but this is just ridiculous. these damn twilight books have rooted inside me and each tendril has wrapped itself around each cell in my head and just taken control.

so i went to the nutritionist for the first time. i know i was worried that it was just a nuisance clause put in by the insurance company but she put a more positive spin on it - she said they want to make sure i'll be able to commit and that i'm serious about sticking with the plan. that's cool. nobody wants this to fail. i listened to everything she had to say and am trying very hard to follow the eating plan she gave me. the only problem i'm having is with the side effects of the lithium - it gives me the dryest throat, to the point of pain and drinking water seems to make it worse. i made sugar-free limeade and that helped immensely but it's not practical. sonic has some diet limeade that's diet sprite and limes and that was pretty good, too.

so what kind of eating plan am i on? lower carbs, no enriched flour, no sugar and no white bread, essentially. i've been eating pretty well but there are some things that are difficult - for example, i have to eat 5 small meals a day and breakfast must be consumed within the first 60 minutes i'm awake. so now i wake up 15 minutes earlier to compensate. that's not a big deal but i'm not supposed to eat again til 10 am and at 8:45 the hunger pains start...so i blow off the 10 am meal for an 8:45 meal and i'm fine til noon. the other difficulty is only having 30 minutes for lunch but trying to chew thoroughly enough within that amount of time. and the last hurdle is not one that happens all the time - i got sick this week. my nephew was sick and i was around him when he was contageous so now it's my turn. i even had a fever today. so a sore throat on top of an already bone dry throat meant nothing helped when i drank it... so i broke down and drank one of don's cokes. i'll just have to make up for that another day.

my throat is the sahara and i am at its mercy.
have a good night,
m

This is My Blog on Meds

it's been a while.
it's been 3 days since my last post...i blame 2 things - adderall and the twilight books. i started adderall monday and it kicked right in! great little appetite killer, too, and man does it work! i read new moon in 2.5 days - 563 pages! and last night i started eclipse and will be done with it tomorrow. i even managed to clean my kitchen, keep it clean (not cooking helps) and clean my living room! GOD BLESS ADDERALL!

the downside? crazy cotton mouth (could be the lithium, too), crazy weird taste in my mouth (neither of these side effects stop no matter how much liquid i drink, btw) and funky eating habits. or maybe normal eating habits...? i no longer finish everything on my plate, i don't eat if i'm not hungry, i pay very close attention to what i eat (for the most part), and i drink a lot of water. i hope this lasts! oh and no more desserts, either - that was a nasty little habit i got into and it's harder than smoking to kick. still addicted to dr.pepper, tho - don't know how i'll fix that but one thing at a time. dr. s also has me taking some exra supplements to help. i'm taking nac which (i believe) helps protect my brain from the damaging effects of bipolar disorder. i'm also taking omega 3,6 & 9 to help open up my veins so my system can better absorb the meds. i also decided to take niacin to help lower my cholesterol. i have 5 pill bottles to contend with now, not including the ever present excedrin migraine and aleve...i'm a walking pharmacy.

well this whole kfc settlement thing has changed my plans a bit. i won't be able to go to cooking school after all. i can't justify taking a paycut to be a line cook or spending $28K on an education and only recieving a certificate - not even a degree. so i'll plan on A&M san antonio and major in psychology and get a real job. it'll be way cheaper and the payoff will be better, too. i'm sure my boss will be pleased because i can do some online classes and continue to work for him.

ok so i hear bella, edward and jake calling (twilight thing haha) so i bid you peace.
pax,
m

Yesterday and Today

so i met with my surgeon yesterday. wow. talk about a system! these guys have it down to a science. i was only in the waiting room for a couple of minutes (unlike the countless hours spent waiting to see my pcp, andy) when they called me in for vitals. no room at the inn so i went back out in to the waiting room again. 2 minutes and then it was back in to our own room. dr. c came in for about 5 minutes and explained the whole process to me and what my insurance would pay so there would be no surprises. he then announced he had an emergency and i would be having an ekg before i left.
i was also introduced to crystal, my lapband/insurance advocate. she further explained the process to me and told me that my insurance company requires me to visit a nutritionist for 6 months before they will approve my surgery. 6 months. but oh "you don't have to lose weight or anything, they just want you to see her!" nice. and not cheap. 150 for the first visit, payable asap and 75 for every one on one consultation after that or i can choose the group therapy plan, scheduled at her convenience, for 50. ridiculous. my insurance company is retarded but at least they will cover me. so i also have to go in for an endoscopy on the 4th and i need a ride home from the hospital. any takers?
i left a little disappointed that it'd be at least another 7 months but if i've gone this long...


so today we mediated with yoda and another rat bastard insurance company and their trained lap dog (corporate attorney) and since i've not yet signed any confidentiality notice or disclosure, this is what happened:
on May 21, i went to kfc on san pedro, owned and operated by r&l foods. i ate a piece of chicken that was mushy (one bite and it went into the trash) and took one bite of macaroni that was just inedible. i decided to skip dinner after that. don ate like a horse and his food was fine. at 4AM i woke up with the worst heartburn and had some milk and some water. at 5AM i woke up vomiting and with the runs. at 6AM i woke up with vomiting and the runs. at 6:30AM i woke up and took a shower for work and had more vomiting and runs and serious cramping so i opted out of work. from that point, i was running to the bathroom every 20 minutes for one reason or another. by 10AM i was exhausted and burning up. don was home from work with a doctor's note for gout. i laid naked on my bed with every fan in the house blowing on me, trying to get some rest. every 20 minutes i suffered a full-blown exorcism that was just never ending. at about 3PM, don went to valero to get me a gatorade and pepto bismol...which was a complete waste of time and money. i couldn't even keep water in. at about 5PM the joints in my fingers started to freeze from dehydration; my exorcisms were still every 20 minutes, non-stop. by 7PM, the exhaustion was so bad that everytime i threw up, i would urinate on myself. at 8PM i was running back to my bathroom and my knees just stopped working and i collapsed. when i hit the ground, some more beautiful bodily fluids just leaked out of every possible place just as my new husband of 3 months came limping to my aid. i was humiliated. utterly and totally humiliated. (you should know that from about 3PM on, everything that was being exorcised out of me looked like pure water so it wasn't visually disturbing but still gross and humiliating). every movement i made to try and get up caused further expulsion. leakage. whatever. there i was, naked, sweating, shaking, exhausted, ready to die and desperately needing to use my bathroom but unable to get up, even with don's help. by the sheer grace of god, we managed to get me up and into the bathroom and cleaned up, despite fingers being frozen from dehydration. i was at my lowest point ever. i told him to get me to a hospital so he called my mom. she told him to take me to an e.r. if that's what i needed. he called my paramedic brother in law who suggested the same. don can't drive and in as much pain as he was in, he could barely walk. he called his mom and sister and (now ex) brother in law who drove right over and took me to ne baptist hospital. i was freezing and sweating at the same time and according to my mother in law my skin felt like ice. i spent about 20 minutes in the er before going to icu where they told us my blood pressure was unreadable, they couldn't find a pulse and my body temperature was 91F. i was dying and in shock. rather than test me for anything despite what don told them i ate, they just treated the problems. oh and they called the police and accused don of poisoning me. i stayed in the hospital for one full week thereafter as i also suffered renal failure and my kidneys had begun producing some enzyme that was eating my muscles. i was dying. they told don that if he had waited any further on bringing me in i would not have made it through the night. once i finally got back to work i had to give up a great job that i just got because i could no longer climb the numerous flights of stairs needed for that job (leasing agent). i eventually got called in and told to stay home until my doctor would fully release me. i had to resign because i needed income. today i finally closed the chapter on that part of my life. we met with the mediator who is a great guy and laid it all out for us. he, like my attorney yoda, used to defend big business insurance companies but decided to make his own mark in the world as a pi attorney. he and yoda explained that because the hospital never tested me specifically for e.coli and because i never saved the stupid piece of chicken, i had no proof. i knew that. i knew i had a circumstantial case at best and was hoping for mercy but there is no mercy in a red state for the working class. i was told that if, by some miracle i went to trial and won, they would surely appeal and i would most certainly lose the appeal because the appellate court is presided by 2 red judges and one blue judge and the reds will always vote for big business so i would lose the whole lot. i had to settle. ben's first offer was 65K. they countered with 5K. don was furious - i could see it in his eyes. mediator said based on what he'd heard he could get us 20K so we accepted. after yoda's share and fees for court costs, fees for mediation, etc. i should get 11 or 12K in about a week.
the moral of the story is not what you would expect:
if you're a democrat, get your ass out there and vote! this act of food terrorism is completely random and could happen to you or your kids or your grandparents or anyone! unless we vote for the dems to get the red out, it will not get any better for any of us. VOTE!

Bipolar Bear

the depression is getting worse. i need to start the meds soon. i think i'll fill my prescriptions today.

lithium does strange things to me (with regard to food). the first time i took it i developed an interesting aversion to red meat - it was all coagulated blood and i just couldn't imagine eating it so i ate chicken and fish. until one day when i could no longer eat chicken; it was all slimy and no matter how well-cooked, it just seemed raw. so i became a pescetarian until the lithium killed that, too. i was a vegan person for a while after that - almost a year, until the doctor changed the dosage.

the last time i took lithium i took too much and had the taste of acid in my mouth - it felt like i had been sucking on batteries or something. and i craved salt. a lot of salt. and as much as i could ingest! pickles and chinese candy were the mainstays of my diet; not good when you're hypertensive. don used to say he was going to hang a salt block over the bed. when i quit taking lithium after i fired dr. jack-ass, the salt cravings stopped.

let's see what happens this time!

i know there are a lot of myths, misconceptions and scary truths about bipolar bears. i know a lot of folks in my life don't really believe i am bipolar because of those myths, misconceptions and scary truths. i do well to hide my crazies, but i do have them. i don't have big scary psycotic episodes, which is good. i'm lucky. the only time i've ever had hallucinations have been from lack of sleep or the wrong meds and even then i only see shadows of rats, mice, opossum and raccoons. it'd be cool if they were doing the can-can or the lambada or something but they don't. they just scurry around in the shadows they way they would if they were real. i guess it's a good thing that they don't do anything fun - i'd purposely avoid sleep just to watch the rodent show. HA!

the point to my little story is every body is different. my case of bipolar disorder is pretty mild when compared to others. my illness doesn't hurt anyone but me. i have had points where i just can't get out of bed, even to walk the dogs. that hasn't happened since i got married.

now it's cleaning.

i just can't bring myself to clean anything but the kitchen. the rest of my house is a disaster and, like my weight, too much of a burden for one person to take on.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking in 5 different places for a matching sock to the one he magically found on the dining table.

i'm sure don is beyond done looking for a shirt to wear on the days he's off.

i'm sure don is beyond done having an empty chest of drawers but three full laundry baskets for the past 9 months.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the clothing all over the floor in the bedroom.

i'm sure don is beyond done with looking at the mountain of clothing on top of the dresser.

i know i'm beyond done with the absolute inability to fix this demon...this beast...this wall of shit that just keeps me from being able to take care of any of it. i'm even going to employ my cousin to help me get this disaster together. i need to at least get the clothing under control so i can decide what to keep and what to toss so we can move next fall.

i need a nap.

pax,
margo

Shrink-a-Dinky Doo

i went to my first appointment with my new shrink today. he's cool. i like him. i fired the last one because he was condescending and kind of a jerk. this one is cool. i got the feeling that he was actually paying attention. don went with me to the appointment and helped a lot. i forget things so he fills in the gaps. we both walked away with the sense that my adhd is more of a detrement than the bipolar disorder. i got what i needed, though...a prescription for lithium and a prescription for adderall.
hello lover...

we also discussed my upcoming visit to lapband camp. he deduced that based on symptoms we discussed, i probably do have sleep apnea and he gave me a card for a collegue of his that performs sleep studies. he understood my reluctance to take sleeping pills because of the "anna nicole smith" type hangovers they have on me, so we opted out of xanax. he asked if i thought i could stick to the regimented new way of eating once i had the procedure. he asked about my weight issues and my recent weight gain. i explained that the majority of the weight gain is from the seemingly unending depression that has me in its claws of doom. i know i'll lose weight when i'm properly medicated - i always do. maybe not a significant amount but at least 25 to 40 lbs which works for me. that amount compiled with the weight loss from the low carb diet i'll be on a few weeks prior to surgery should be a nice little jump start to a healthy new me.

it's all coming into place, isn't it? it's happening - it's really happening! i'm really going to get healthy! now if i could master that lotto number-picking thing...

good night and good mental health!
pax,
margo

Uncommon Sense

i am a slacker.

i slacked off all weekend and failed to write anything in my blog. partly because my eating is out of control and i don't want to admit it. and partly because i didn't know what to say. and partly because i found out hex doesn't qualify for the procedure because his jackass employer doesn't care enough about its employees who need this surgery.

it saddens me.

hector has tried, and tried really hard to lose weight the right way. he's tried way harder than me. he's gone walking and running for miles and miles at woodlawn lake and it just doesn't work. he's eaten sugar free, carb free, fat free, fun free, yum free, taste free, and even food free by way of meal replacement shakes. he needs bigger help than mere diet and exercise can provide.

i don't know why he eats, but i can guess. i do know that we both share the same insatiable hunger that seems to take over all of our senses, common and uncommon.

i don't want to invade his privacy, so from this point forward i will only discuss my issues, but know this: if you work for cps and make decisions about providing health care for your employees, you suck. and you're stupid. it costs more to insure, medicate and maintain people with diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, high cholesterol, and the myriad of other issues and co-morbidities that accompany severe weight issues (i don't like the phrase morbid obesity so i won't use it in my blog) than it does to pay for weight loss surgery.

that said, i bid you all good night and good dreams.
pax,
margo

The Sleeping Giant

the wolf rested today.

again today, i came home from work and took a nap til 6:40. from here, we went to dinner with the family. it took a little bit of time because still-sleepy-me took the long way. we gave the group ahead of us our spot in line because none of us knew what we wanted. by the time we got our dinner and began to eat it was about 8. you know, if you've read my past entries, that i've undoubtedly waited too long to eat and the wolf within should be making an appearance right about this time...but not tonight, baby! the wolf rested. i sipped soda, as little as i could, with my meal and chewed each bite more than thoroughly and took my time, eating as i'm supposed to and not with wolfen-like zeal. it was AWESOME! of course, i was still eating 30 minutes after everyone else, but the point was, i did it, it was easier than i thought and i didn't suffer the typical indegestion that accompanies the wolf-within. YAY! there is hope.

one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
let's try not to awaken the sleeping giant within...

one day, one meal, one bite at a time.
it's all i can do. miracles don't happen overnight.

pax,
margo

One Bite at a Time

i didn't post anything yesterday.

there was not much to say. but i did manage to eat like a "normal" person and not some wolf-dyson hybrid. i chewed each bite very thoroughly, avoided drinking fluids 30 minutes prior to (and during) mealtime, ate mostly lean meats (chicken chicken chicken), and put my fork down while i chewed.
not today.

today, wolfie was back with a vengeance. apparently, i upset the wolf within and practically inhaled my food. both lunch and dinner. no breakfast is the cause of my speed-lunch and waiting til 8PM tonight to eat dinner was the cause of my speed-dinner. why why WHY does that make such a big damn difference? i can NOT control it! what the HELL?!? i know i'm not starving. i know i'm not going to whither away to nothing if i don't eat this so fast i can't even taste it, but i do it anyway! it's annoying! yesterday, i didn't even finish my food at dinner. today, don was barely starting his burger and my dinner was done. and i'm STILL hungry!

ridiculous.

i cannot wait til i can finally meet with dr. c so we can nail down this issue and make it stop. i know waiting til 8PM to eat dinner was a stupid thing to do, but i fell asleep when i came home and didn't wake up til 7:40. i couldn't help it. sometimes, nothing but a nap will do.

i know that eating with wolfen-like zeal is not normal. i've watched don go an entire day without eating and still take small to normal bites of whatever side of beef he decided to dine on and still eat slowly. why can't i do that? i know i've got to stop this because i will get violently ill if i eat that quickly after the procedure. ah well...one day, one meal, one bite at a time.

pax,
margo

Support Can Be Beautiful

i've had some folks concerned about the procedure and the drastic changes that must take place for optimum success.

they're worried.
i'm worried.
they're concerned.
i'm concerned.
we should be. obviously i have issues with eating, emotional eating, depression, mood stability and willpower.

that's why i'm having this procedure - because i need something that will help me be full, faster. for me, cutting away or stapling off most of my stomach is too severe and way too scary for me to consider. an outpatient procedure that is completely 100% reversible with little to no negative side effects seems like the best way to jump start my new life. i joke about eating like the chihuahuas and becoming a human cuisinart but i do that to make it easier for me to deal with. i know that what i'm about to take on is a huge change but i do have support. i have the support of friends and family who love me and will stand by me and help me no matter what. i also have friends who've undergone the same procedure with the same doctors at the same hospital and followed the same program. and the hospital also has a support group of patients of dr. c and company that i will have full access to whenever i feel like i need that extra bit of help.

no one wants me to fail.
most importantly me.
i don't want me to fail.
you see, when you're 200 lbs overweight and in my situation, failure means death. how can i die when i haven't even started really living yet?
thanks for your support,
margo

Hungry Like the Wolf

wolfen-like zeal.

that's the best way to describe how i eat. wolfen-like zeal. daintiness is not one of my better qualities unless i'm on a date (not in the past 5 years) or at a fancy shmancy restaurant, heavy on the shmance. i don't know why i eat with such wolfen-like zeal, but i do know that it gets worse the longer i wait to eat. this is why i snack between meals - to help scale back that wolfie behavior at the dinner table. the reason i bring this up is because i have to learn to chew my food beyond thoroughly and wait one full minute between bites after the surgery. i should be trying to work on that now as i've got enough changes to get used to soon and very soon, but i just can't do it. tonight's dinner is a great example; i had a pretty decent lunch (subway turkey melt - only 14g fat+sun chips and one chocolate chip cookie) and i didn't have anything else at all til dinner. tonight's dinner was hot dogs with chili and cheese. it wasn't a high fat dinner, either - i only cook 98% fat free turkey dogs so that we can add the chili and cheese.

i ate 4 in 10 minutes.

and then proceeded to howl at the moon.

i do this every single time i wait too long to eat. why is that? i'm obviously not going to starve and i know i'm not the only person on the planet who does this.

do you do this?

i do this.

i don't want to do this anymore.

i want to eat like a lady.
not like a stray dog.
not like a high school linebacker.
not like a wolf.

this will probably be the most difficult transition for me to adjust to but i have to do it. i've still not started the "no drinking liquids 30 minutes before and during meals" rule, nor have i begun any semblance of a low-carb life. and it's still too damn cold to go to the pool. tomorrow i will snack on celery with light cream cheese and dill and try to remember to take small bites, chew til it's completely unrecognizable and wait 1 full minute between bites. i'll let you know how it goes.
wish me luck!
pax,
margo

A Port in the Storm

so i had lapbandlunch with margie and sylvia, the original lapbandgeeks (o.l.g.) and i learned some stuff:

first, no drinking anything 30 minutes prior to meals.
second, no drinking anything during meals.

that's gonna be tough.
i drink a lot of fluids, soda, iced tea, water, ginger ale, beer, cocktails or whatever.
i drink a lot of fluids.
i am actually more thirsty than i am hungry so this is going to be a lot harder than i thought. i know eventually i'll get used to it but that initial change will be difficult. i think i should start now. at brunch today, margie nursed a cup of water and sylvia drank nothing. last time we lunched, we all had margoritas. i didn't want to drink today, at least not margoritas, anyway - but i am still jonesing for some stout. margie also shared with me the problems she's having eating meat. she can really only eat chopped steak/hamburger as everything else is too dry and makes her ill. :( and i learned that after the liquid diet (which i like) i will get very ill transitioning back to solid foods. joy! i love soup and wouldn't be bothered by consumme/broth for breakfast+lunch+dinner one bit but it's not realistic. or healthy. they also emphasized the need for chewing each bite more than thoroughly and the importance of waiting 1 minute between bites - apparently, eating one's food with wolfen-like zeal can cause problems that mirror heart episodes and nobody wants a heart episode, even if it is just indegestion.

and then it was time to freak margo out.
do you know what a lapband is or how it works? allow me to give the quick and dirty explanation - it's a silicone band that gets wrapped around the uppermost portion of the stomach and has little pockets/balloons filled with saline that the doctors can adjust to allow or restrict food intake. how do they get the saline in there, you ask?
i'll tell you.
the band is attached to a long tube, not unlike one attached to an i.v. and that long tube has a port on the end of it, about the diameter of a quarter. that port is what the doctor injects the saline into to adjust your band. so, is it hanging there, out of you like a dongle? no. it's inside you, stuffed inside your muscle. WHAT THE HELL!?!?!???!? i told sylvia i wanted to feel her port because i sorta need to know what i'm getting myself into, so she lifted up her shirt and showed me where to find it. AUGH! AUGH AUGH AUGH HOLY COW OMG OMG EWW ICK ICK ICK!!!!! it scared the SHIT out of me! it's like a floating bottle cap inside of your body!

but the more i think about it, the cooler i think it is! i'll be like a cyborg!
i can't wait to freak out the kids and my grandmother with it!
i'm excited!

wanna feel my port?

ok, that's all for now...
oh and we found my keys! the sofa decided to eat them and some of lilly's chew bones so we had to perform emergency sofa surgery this evening.
YAY!
pax,
margo

1/2 a Cup of Food

1/2 a cup of food. that's it per meal. once i have the surgery i'll max out at 1/2 cup of food per meal with the tiny little pouch sectioned off by the band. that's 4 ounces...it's the same amount i feed each dog, twice a day. THEY'RE CHIHUAHUAS!!! me and the dogs will have the same size tummies! WHAT THE HELL!?!? and 4 ounces is the entire meal, not just one course. the doctors want me to eat only lean meats for that 4 oz meal so i won't suffer from protein deficiency which causes things like hair loss, fingernail loss, edema, dizzy spells, and a myriad of other lovely side effects all ultimately ending in a slow, painful death. i don't want to suffer from protein deficiency either, but what about fiber? when one embarks on a meat-based diet with little to no carbohydrates, laxatives have to be ingested because of the lack of fiber.
um...no.
ex-lax is not my idea of a party favor. and shakes from sonic (which tend to have a laxative effect on most) are forbidden because of the amount of fat+sugar+calories. i guess i'll find out more from margie and sylvia tomorrow at lapbandlunch.

oh and during that 1/2 a cup of food, i have to chew everything to liquid before swallowing and wait 1 minute between bites. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME?!? but i guess if i'm only eating 4 ounces of food per meal, i'll have extra time as there won't be too many bites in 4 ounces of food. it'll all pay off when i can wear a pair of 501s (with or without spanx) or buy lingerie at victoria's secret.

still can't find my keys. the jeep key replacement is going to run me around $100. i REALLY miss my keys.
good night, all...
pax,
margo

Nuclear Winter

the annoying "cheerleader" that was at hector's seminar last night who kept lifting up her shirt so people could feel her port and see her new (yet still unusually fleshy) belly said something interesting that night...she said, "expect people you thought were your friends to be so jealous they never speak to you again. expect your friends and family to try and sabotage you because of envy or control issues they have."

wow. that's pretty cold. but i can see it. i did it. when margie had her lapband a couple of years ago, i was so jealous my pupils looked like daggers. i am a bitch. i don't think that anymore. it's a fat girl thing, i guess. i can't explain it. when our friend marie had gastrick bypass and i found out she was forcing herself to eat double cheeseburgers that same week, i was secretly happy. i didn't want my fat girls to be skinny because i'd be alone again. am i a bitch? does that make me a horrible person? jack's ex-wife, smellanie, had gastrick bypass surgery and used to stand out on the smoker's patio at the chase call center and openly target anyone 50 lbs overweight or more and announce, "no one who weighs more than 250 lbs is happy. they couldn't possibly be happy because i wasn't...blah blah blah" when i saw her, i'd turn my back. i was openly a bitch to her just out of spite. when jack told me she gained all of her weight back and then some i couldn't have been happier. am i facing a nuclear winter of kharmic retribution because of past behaviors and evil thoughts? i love margie and i'm so happy she got healthy! i'm even going to see her this weekend with sylvia so they can give me the real scoop on dr.c and the procedure. i'm still glad smellanie's a cow, though, but for a zillion other reasons.

still can't find my keys...anyone wanna help me look?
:)
pax,
margo

A Veronica in a World of Heathers

so i'm sitting here, monacle in place with my electronic quill and journal ready to pour my heart out and let my angst fly. i accompanied hex to his lapbandcamp seminar and it was annoying. every stupid and/or annoying llama decided to attend as well. o.m.g. i was ready to start smackin' dolts upside the head with my flip flops! when the doctor says do not discuss your personal medical details in this room, save it for the office, he means DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL MEDICAL DETAILS IN THIS ROOM, SAVE IT FOR THE OFFICE! i don't need to know that you can't shit if you eat too much meat. i don't need to know if you're on psychotropic drugs that made you gain 100 lbs from taking one pill (when we all know you're lying and you probably wrapped that damn pill in bacon wrapped doughnuts coated in twinkie filling because we've all done it!!!) no one wants to touch your stomach! no one wants to see your stomach, put your shirt downn! i'm glad the lapband worked for you but PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN! and if you cannot bathe on a regular basis and have some sort of aversion to anti-persperant, stay home! if you have 400 phlegm balls filling your lungs, STAY HOME! there was so much phlegm i threw up a little in my mouth!

now that that's out of my system, i did get some more items clarified and had some new questions answered as well. i am glad i went. i'm ready to meet with dr. c and get this show on the road! the only thing i worry about is giving up too much at once - i have to stop drinking when i go back to my shrinky-dink and then a few days later i'll have to give up carbs for a while for the surgery. it's worth giving up food, of course, but i hardly drink and when i do finally tie one on, it's always well worth the wait. if i quit smoking, i can quit drinking. i'd rather be stable and medicated than unstable and drunk every once in a while...i think ;)

still haven't found the keys...help me.
pax,
margo

Fat Girls Don't Wrinkle

today i have a headache. and everything is getting on my nerves. tygrrr lilly is beyond our control and irritating the shit out of the other 2 babies. she's so hyper and out of control she hit her head on the coffee table when she tried to jump on the sofa. did it slow her down? no. did she cry from the pain? no. i did but she didn't. she just tolerated extra hugs and kisses from mommy and then squirmed to get to daisy for more torture. she is so hyper when she runs across the floor, sparks shoot out of her toes. the lights even flicker! she can degauss the tv and laptops by just walking by them. help me.

got a text from jack today; amy was medically approved for her gastrick bypass so she goes under the knife in 5 weeks provided she can lose 10 lbs and quit smoking today. i am so glad i quit smoking when i got e.coli - trying to quit sucks! i think that's probably why i went so stir crazy when i was in the hospital. not even morphine did anything to calm me down.

a friend of mine who hasn't seen me in about a hundred lbs told me i was beautiful. that totally made my year! i don't know any woman that would ever not appreciate being told she is beautiful. my mom and sister and hector tell me that all the time but it's different when it comes from them - it's almost like it's their job to say that.

tomorrow i'm going back to the nix hospital to be hector's date for his lap band seminar. he's worried because his insurance will only pay if the procedure is medically necessary. if you're 100 lbs overweight it's usually medically necessary. i started thinking about what i might look like without all of this extra *me* sitting around...i don't think i'll ever be thin - i'm pretty sure of it. i think i'll be curvy no matter what. even when i was a size 16 i still had this rack...jack said don's gonna have to fight them off with a stick! we'll see. i'm 40 now so there will be some...um...sun damage around the eyes that gets hidden when one is chubby. :) ask paula deen - fat girls don't wrinkle! she's right!

i'm off to dreamland...
pax,
margo

Fat Girl Crack

speaking of addiction...
i snack a lot and try to snack wisely but sometimes i'm too broke or too hungry to care about what i eat and end up with a big fat bag of fat. specifically, fat coated in cheesey, nuclear orange, greasy dust also known as puffy cheetos. puffy cheetos are probably the worst thing i can put in my body. around here they're known as "fat girl crack" or my "substance abuse problem." i went for a long time without eating them and switched to that new puffy corn coated in a similar magical cheese-flavored dust because at 8 grams of fat for 3 whole cups, it's a smarter choice. they taste pretty good if you like cheese-dust-coated styrofoam packing shrimp but whatever you do, do NOT smell them in the bag...

so it was only a matter of time before i fell off the wagon (i smelled the bag). i broke down and bought a bag of fat girl crack and when i put the first one in my mouth, i shuddered. houston, we have a problem. of course, puffy cheetos aren't my only addiction. i love cheese. any kind of cheese and the stinkier the better! i also love bread and stout beer. i sometimes wonder if i'm some reincarnated monk from the 15th century because i love all things fermented. i also love milk. i drink milk everyday. nothing flavored, just plain, white milk and if it's organic from jersey cows, it's even better.

as much as i would love to sit here and wax poetic about bread, cheese and beer, i have to find my keys. i lost them in the sofa last night. i will cook anyone anything they want to eat if they come find my keys tonight.
please. anyone?
pax,
margo

Appetite of Destruction

so let's discuss the appetite of destruction...i am always hungry. i don't know why, i just am. it's annoying and destructive and expensive and dangerous and i can't stop it. obviously, i don't have worms because if i did i wouldn't be fat, nor would have i have this lion's mane of hair. i drink a lot of water to make myself full but that doesn't really work very well (obviously). i tried eating 3 square meals but found i was still hungry...like, really hungry before, during and after each stupid meal. 5 little meals didn't work either. i think we're up to 3 slightly bigger meals and 1 - 2 little meals per day or something. i eat when i'm bored. i eat when i'm depressed. i eat when i'm hungry. i eat when don eats. i eat when my boss buys me lunch. i eat when i'm cooking. and for some reason, every day at 5pm sharp the hunger pangs start. i am posessed by hunger.

i don't know how it started but i've always been like this, as long as i can remember. i finally started recognizing the problem and making better choices about what i eat (most of the time), but only just recently. instead of getting a spicy italian with extra cheese on cheesey bread at subway, i now get a turkey melt with swiss, tons of veggies, spicy mustard on honey oat bread - 14g of fat - not bad for a footlong! i also traded in large cokes for unsweet tea and full-fat chips for baked lays. but that's just a single drop in the bucket. i'm still getting double quarter pounders with cheese at mcd's but not nearly as frequently as i used to.

portion control is all tied in with this, too. when i make sandwiches at home, i eat 2; one just doesn't cut it, so i quit making sandwiches at home. i know it sounds really bad but we don't eat chips with our sandwiches so there is that...i don't eat that much at dinner, really, but i do have a pretty good sized lunch during the week.

and then there are the cravings...i have cravings like a pregnant woman! i crave milk, i crave salt, i crave sugar and usually all at the same time. i know all women have cravings, whether they admit it or not, but most have the willpower to supress or ignore them. i am not one of those women. for example, i just ate 3 of those toaster strudels for dessert and fed 3 to my husband. and not just any toaster strudels, boston cream pie toaster strudels with vanilla pastry cream and chocolate icing. and a pint of milk. moo moo moo

i don't think it would be so bad if i got off of my big fat butt and moved around but i seem to always be tired and achey. to make matters worse, i have a very sedentary job and am expected to stay at my desk and not move while fidel is in the office. he wants me glued to my pc and phone the entire time i'm clocked in, even through lunch. by the time i get home, my legs ache from sitting in a chair that's too low (is a big problem when one has legs as long as mine) and my ankles are so swollen they're numb. i am in bad shape. i know i need to get back in the pool but timing is a little difficult with don's store having low season hours and trying to get dinner out in a reasonable amount of time. i must try harder. i will. now i need sleep. i bid you good night.
pax,
m

How I Got Here

So you're probably wondering, how does someone wake up 200 lbs overweight? Denial has a lot to do with it. I started seeing some problems when I turned 18 and it's been downhill ever since. I've tried several diets: Weight Watchers, Low Carb, Vegetarian, Curves, low fat, low sugar, you name it and nothing worked. They actually made the problems worse. Last year I decided to swim and ease into a vegan diet...the swimming was great but the vegan diet never even got to ovo-lacto! I started craving salmon to the point where I would watch black bears on NatGeo and envy their fishing skills! I was ready to grow out the toenails and catch my lunch like birds of prey! And naturally, being a beach bum with no beach, soon as it got cold outside, I no longer wanted to swim. (Now that it's getting warmer, I'll be back in the pool next week!) Since October, I've gained 25 lbs (not the 50 I originally thought) and my clothes don't fit and I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I can't wear girl clothes and all of my beautiful, sexy shoes are all sitting in my closet in boxes, bored. Alone. Unused. Meanwhile, I'm wearing flip flops, Crocs and Nikes. How sexy!

So how does one let their weight get so out of control? I don't know. Every body is different. No two bodies are the same. I can't speak for your wives, daughters, sisters, cousins, girlfriends, and they can't speak for me. All I know is I've always had a really big appetite and I'd be a chubby kid, then I'd have a growth spurt and stretch out. It was when I stopped growing that the giant appetite caught up to me. When I turned 40, my thighs looked like someone injected 80 gallons of jello underneath my skin and I knew something had to give. But it wasn't just the appetite that did it...somewhere in there, I contracted e.coli which caused the early onset of arthritis. A couple of car accidents later, more pain and less mobility and the weight just kept coming on. My legs hurt all of the time, my knees are shot, my ankles swell and I'm always tired. Imagine walking around carrying an extra 200 lbs with you all of the time. One would think I'd be physically stronger, huh? It doesn't work that way. It just makes you hurt and be tired all of the time. Additionally, I'm also unable to sleep like a normal person. I worry about having a heart attack in my sleep or a stroke or something and I wake up all the time. I'm pretty sure it's sleep apnea because Don says the snoring is getting really bad, too.

One thing you might not know is that I am bipolar. I've been off all meds for over 18 months, too, which accounts for some of the sleepiness (depression) and eating crazed amounts (depression) and swimming like a fish (mania) and obsessing over diet and exercise (mania). My friend Jack told me to call his shrink for an appointment and I'll be there on the 11th. I know once I get back on my meds I'll be in a better place to cope with the major lifestyle change that accompanies the lap band procedure. February is a big month for me...new shrink, first appointment with lap band doc, mediation for the e.coli lawsuit...and hopefully that car accident lawsuit will payout, too! Oh and hubby just reminded me - our 4th wedding anniversary is in February, too! Tickets to Gabriel Iglesias and dinner on the river (we got married on Valentine's Day because I am horrible with dates. Part of the reason for the blog is to remind me of my appointments!)

I'm off to play Mafia Wars on Facebook - gotta get Cuba done.
Pax,
Margo

Introductions

i woke up today and realized i was no longer cute and chubby. in just a short time i went from bbw to supersized. i'm now in gabriel iglesias' "DAMN!" category and let's face it...no one wants to be in that category...so i made an appointment with a lap band surgeon to help me get down to fluffy. i am 200 lbs overweight and this is the story of how i got here and how i'm leaving to lap band camp to become a lap band geek.

i'm not alone in my trip to lap band camp, though, there are some characters you should meet:
margo - me
hector - my bff and fellow lap band geek
don - my hubster
amy - another friend who's having gastrick bypass
margie - lap band geek number one
sylvia - lap band geek number two
shannon - lap band geek turned gastrick girl
laura - my sister
dr. c - my surgeon
jack - my dear friend
rodger - my other bff
mom - my mom
momo - my grandmother
steven - my uncle
stinky - my cousin
marc - my brother in law
the kids - aj and juju
the babies - savannah, daisy, lilly (my puppies)
ashley - sister in law
rae - mother in law
fidel - my boss
eric - my other boss
ken - yet another boss
maricruz - my el paso friend
dr. s - my shrink
other characters to be introduced as they come and go but these are here for life

i want to make this fun and keep it light (no pun) and hector will hopefully be posting his stories too. we want to tell our stories and entertain at the same time. we hope you come back and enjoy the ride. while you're here, you can pet the animals, just don't feed the animals...
pax,
margo