so i went to surgeon today...i lost 9 lbs since the surgery. depending on the scale, i weigh 317, 324, or 321. i stepped on 3 different scales last week and got 3 different numbers so i just subtract 9 lbs from each and go with the lowest, of course. surgeon said i am to stop drinking protein shakes after friday and eat a steak dinner, too. i am to start eating solid foods, too. he asked if i've eaten solid food and i didn't lie. i didn't tell the whole truth, but i didn't lie. i told him i had cubed chicken this weekend but i didn't tell him i had grilled polenta with italian sausage at delores del rio after the kenny loggins concert with my hubby and our date, bert. i figure the diet instructions said whatever i could run through the food processor i could eat...if i chew enough, i act like a food processor so what the hell!
the other thing i didn't tell him was that i could eat bread. i ate bread friday, i ate bread saturday and i ate bread sunday. i'm glad, though, that i didn't say anything because as it turns out, i cannot eat bread. i ate a piece of harvest wheat bread today that damn near killed me. it just didn't want to go down so i've learned my lesson. but the same thing happened with a chicken breast i roasted so who knows?
i'm trying to use the new coping mechanism of guitar and it worked! i had grown bored with the same 3 songs over and over again and guitar teacher is taking a hiatus from texas so i just stopped practicing. tonight, though, something came over me and i taught myself patsy cline's version of your cheating heart!!! i'm so excited! i strummed and sang and figured out a strumming pattern! YAY!
so back to the band thing...it's not been a pleasant week. i've been plagued with all kinds of ick that has been painful and not something i wish to go into great detail about, but suffice it to say, i thought my old friend e.coli had returned. turns out, it's a very common side effect of post surgical lapband camp. it's a combination of the liquid vicodin, liquid diet and detox of the drugs and dyes used in the surgery. and it's over. it stopped saturday so i'm a happy girl. that's why i've been back on solid food a little earlier than planned...i even roasted a chicken tonight and even though i put the oven a wee bit too high, papa loved it because it was home made. tomorrow we'll have some kind of chicken breast...maybe orange honey glazed chicken breast with steamed broccoli...i think cooking awakened my domestic goddess again, too...i washed every dish in the house and cleaned out the fridge. let's see if we can't get the beast of a bedroom cleaned, too. wish me luck with that one!
have a good night!
pax,
m
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
8-24-10
today i went back to work. shit. i should have stayed home. the front door wouldn't lock so don stayed home and waited for maintenance. then, the asm failed to show up and called in at 7:45 and the keymasters would not answer their phones or texts. we were outside waiting until 10:45 so i wasted 3 hours on this girl and things just got worse from that point on. i got inside and found that the hotel we booked for next month's meeting SOLD ALL OF OUR ROOMS! she tried to say that earlier this month she didn't have enough but i reminded her that i blocked those rooms in may. it's useless to fight with her about it because it's not going to get us our rooms back.
i guess the stress was too much for me because shortly thereafter i got sick. nauseated, hot and cold at the same time, exhausted, weak and a little dizzy. the idea of the protein shakes nauseates me now...i'm sick of chocolate. now, before you go off about the wonders of chocolate, let me explain that i have never been a big fan of sweets. this fat suit is primarily comprised of fountain cokes, cans of dr pepper, fast food, pizza, pasta, biscuits, tortillas, dinner rolls and chips & dips. i crave salt. i do not crave sugar. so all of these damned protein shakes that are supposed to taste like ice cream are just nauseating to me. just because i'm fat does not mean i crave sugar! i need a protein shake that tastes like jim's canadian cheese soup or la madelene tomato soup or something. a pizza flavored shake wouldn't work...too vomity...mac & cheese? buttered biscuit...something savory. ah well...i can dream...
i found a powdered protein mix flavored like alpine punch. i mix it in water or juice or s/f lemonade and that's it! no more chocolate! and just in time for phase 2 of my liquid diet. tomorrow i can have cream of wheat, grits, thicker soups...i'm so excited about the cream of wheat!!!
hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...
wish me luck!
oh and today i had 1 protein shake, 1 s/f jello, 1 cup of broth and 6oz of cheese soup mixed with beef broth. oh and half of an isopure zero carb green tea (40g of protein but i had onl 20g - papa finished the rest). tomorrow is CREAM OF WHEAT! Hello DINERS!!!
i guess the stress was too much for me because shortly thereafter i got sick. nauseated, hot and cold at the same time, exhausted, weak and a little dizzy. the idea of the protein shakes nauseates me now...i'm sick of chocolate. now, before you go off about the wonders of chocolate, let me explain that i have never been a big fan of sweets. this fat suit is primarily comprised of fountain cokes, cans of dr pepper, fast food, pizza, pasta, biscuits, tortillas, dinner rolls and chips & dips. i crave salt. i do not crave sugar. so all of these damned protein shakes that are supposed to taste like ice cream are just nauseating to me. just because i'm fat does not mean i crave sugar! i need a protein shake that tastes like jim's canadian cheese soup or la madelene tomato soup or something. a pizza flavored shake wouldn't work...too vomity...mac & cheese? buttered biscuit...something savory. ah well...i can dream...
i found a powdered protein mix flavored like alpine punch. i mix it in water or juice or s/f lemonade and that's it! no more chocolate! and just in time for phase 2 of my liquid diet. tomorrow i can have cream of wheat, grits, thicker soups...i'm so excited about the cream of wheat!!!
hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...
wish me luck!
oh and today i had 1 protein shake, 1 s/f jello, 1 cup of broth and 6oz of cheese soup mixed with beef broth. oh and half of an isopure zero carb green tea (40g of protein but i had onl 20g - papa finished the rest). tomorrow is CREAM OF WHEAT! Hello DINERS!!!
Monday, August 23, 2010
8-23-10
today i had an atkins vanilla shake and a mug of chicken broth for brunch and it took 2 hours to consume that. for dinner, i had s/f pink lemonade, a s/f popsicle, a mug of soup, and half of a bariatric shake. am stuffed. getting a headache and ready to go to bed...but not without my liquid vicodin. the pain/soreness subsided a lot today and i went to mom's with the daisy dog to put away a mary kay order for her. the incisions are healing nicely, especially the one in the center where my port is. i dread going to work tomorrow because of a boatload of e-mails waiting for me from all over the country. it's my week to handle customer complaints. whee! i guess i'll take broth with me to work tomorrow...i don't know what else i can have besides broth. at least tomorrow's the last day for that. not sure if i can have coffee...i miss it terribly!
can someone burp me? please?
can someone burp me? please?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
It's In!
ok so i had my surgery and here are the details:
friday: got up at 3:30AM and showered, put on yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt and black flip flops, packed my laptop, phone cord and giant purse and kissed the puppies on the noses. grabbed the hubby and headed off to mom's at 4:45am. got to mom's, left the jeep, my purse and my keys and headed off to the hospital. got there at 5:15 and waited for godzilla, the check in monster to finally realize we were there to be admitted. got a room and changed into my giant hospital gown and left my stuff with my mom and hubby. got wheeled over to pre-op and was given lots of drugs. got wheeled over to the or and was given more drugs. i didn't like that room. i remember looking up and seeing the lights and noticing how ugly it was and depressing it was and i just got an icky vibe. out like a light. woke up to the shouts of my surgeon yelling at me and accusing me of not dieting at all because he claims my liver was so big and bloated he almost cancelled the surgery. i told him i ate solid food AND the shakes and never went over 10g of carbs a day but he didn't listen. he just yelled some more and walked out and i passed out again. he called my hubby and told him everything went very well and there were no complications or issues at all. at that point they told me they were keeping me overnight because the insurance thought it would be a good idea. but first they had me go to radiology and drink BARIUM so they could see if my hiatal hernia really was fixed. it was so they wheeled me to my room. my room. wow. my suite is more like it! i don't know how i rated this room but it was amazing! hardwood floors, 2 leather couches, plasma tv and the view was insane! AND there was enough room for 2 more beds! they finally found mom and don and escorted them to the room and i was becoming more coherent when they brought breakfast. i told them i was only supposed to have ice chips but they said no, i had to be on a liquid diet. so breakfast was clear broth, orange jello, hot tea, and some protein powder in skim milk. i didn't want it so it sat for a couple of hours. finally at about 10 i ate/drank it (but not the jello). then an hour later they brought me lunch. more of the same but with the addition of a s/f popsicle and crystal light lemonade. the soup tasted awful...like warm water with a brown crayon in it. my dad and sister showed up right at lunch and stayed for a bit. everyone left at about the same time and i fell asleep again. later on, mom came back with laura and the kids and they had some accident in the parking garage (some doc speeding in without paying attention) so i barely saw my mom. the kids and i walked the halls so i could get my circulation going and then it was time for them to leave. i got my laptop out and went on facebook and posted and watched a little tv and fell asleep again.
saturday: don came back for me and mom stayed downstairs anticipating a quick discharge - no such luck. she eventually had to park and come up and wait. i was dressed and ready to go and was getting very antsy to see my daisy dog! finally they released me and off we went to my mom's. we stayed there and i had half a protein shake and broth while they ate whataburger. i played the sims, watched tv, chilled out, took a shower and the best part was that my daisy dog was there with me! don picked her up when we stopped at my house for my shower things! he said she spent friday at the door waiting for me so i had to see her! we finally went home and had to fight the dogs off of me with a stick! they all wanted to sniff my tummy! i had some more broth and we went to the store so i could walk around. i bought s/f calcium chews, s/f jello and one a day gummy vitamins.
how do i feel? hungry, hurting, bloated, tired and stiff. luckily i have 2 huge bottles of liquid vicodin to ease the pain! i can't laugh, i can't cough, i can't sneeze and i cannot exorcise this demon gas out of me. and i can't eat. and i can't play my guitar because i'm afraid it'll rub me the wrong way and my tummy is swollen. right now i do have pangs of regret but i know that this needed to happen. the immature part of me is throwing a fit because i can no longer eat whatever i want but the mature part of me is counting all 10 toes on 2 very long feet. and that's the reason i did this. my feet may not be flawless, but they're in tact, healthy and mine! and thanks to this silicone belt around my tummy, they'll stay that way!
today, i've eaten 1 protein shake and 1 cup of soup. and one s/f popsicle.
i'm hungry but it's a different kind of hungry...i can't explain...oh well, more tomorrow!
friday: got up at 3:30AM and showered, put on yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt and black flip flops, packed my laptop, phone cord and giant purse and kissed the puppies on the noses. grabbed the hubby and headed off to mom's at 4:45am. got to mom's, left the jeep, my purse and my keys and headed off to the hospital. got there at 5:15 and waited for godzilla, the check in monster to finally realize we were there to be admitted. got a room and changed into my giant hospital gown and left my stuff with my mom and hubby. got wheeled over to pre-op and was given lots of drugs. got wheeled over to the or and was given more drugs. i didn't like that room. i remember looking up and seeing the lights and noticing how ugly it was and depressing it was and i just got an icky vibe. out like a light. woke up to the shouts of my surgeon yelling at me and accusing me of not dieting at all because he claims my liver was so big and bloated he almost cancelled the surgery. i told him i ate solid food AND the shakes and never went over 10g of carbs a day but he didn't listen. he just yelled some more and walked out and i passed out again. he called my hubby and told him everything went very well and there were no complications or issues at all. at that point they told me they were keeping me overnight because the insurance thought it would be a good idea. but first they had me go to radiology and drink BARIUM so they could see if my hiatal hernia really was fixed. it was so they wheeled me to my room. my room. wow. my suite is more like it! i don't know how i rated this room but it was amazing! hardwood floors, 2 leather couches, plasma tv and the view was insane! AND there was enough room for 2 more beds! they finally found mom and don and escorted them to the room and i was becoming more coherent when they brought breakfast. i told them i was only supposed to have ice chips but they said no, i had to be on a liquid diet. so breakfast was clear broth, orange jello, hot tea, and some protein powder in skim milk. i didn't want it so it sat for a couple of hours. finally at about 10 i ate/drank it (but not the jello). then an hour later they brought me lunch. more of the same but with the addition of a s/f popsicle and crystal light lemonade. the soup tasted awful...like warm water with a brown crayon in it. my dad and sister showed up right at lunch and stayed for a bit. everyone left at about the same time and i fell asleep again. later on, mom came back with laura and the kids and they had some accident in the parking garage (some doc speeding in without paying attention) so i barely saw my mom. the kids and i walked the halls so i could get my circulation going and then it was time for them to leave. i got my laptop out and went on facebook and posted and watched a little tv and fell asleep again.
saturday: don came back for me and mom stayed downstairs anticipating a quick discharge - no such luck. she eventually had to park and come up and wait. i was dressed and ready to go and was getting very antsy to see my daisy dog! finally they released me and off we went to my mom's. we stayed there and i had half a protein shake and broth while they ate whataburger. i played the sims, watched tv, chilled out, took a shower and the best part was that my daisy dog was there with me! don picked her up when we stopped at my house for my shower things! he said she spent friday at the door waiting for me so i had to see her! we finally went home and had to fight the dogs off of me with a stick! they all wanted to sniff my tummy! i had some more broth and we went to the store so i could walk around. i bought s/f calcium chews, s/f jello and one a day gummy vitamins.
how do i feel? hungry, hurting, bloated, tired and stiff. luckily i have 2 huge bottles of liquid vicodin to ease the pain! i can't laugh, i can't cough, i can't sneeze and i cannot exorcise this demon gas out of me. and i can't eat. and i can't play my guitar because i'm afraid it'll rub me the wrong way and my tummy is swollen. right now i do have pangs of regret but i know that this needed to happen. the immature part of me is throwing a fit because i can no longer eat whatever i want but the mature part of me is counting all 10 toes on 2 very long feet. and that's the reason i did this. my feet may not be flawless, but they're in tact, healthy and mine! and thanks to this silicone belt around my tummy, they'll stay that way!
today, i've eaten 1 protein shake and 1 cup of soup. and one s/f popsicle.
i'm hungry but it's a different kind of hungry...i can't explain...oh well, more tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!
I never really paid attention to all that I go through because of my weight until Shanon pointed it out to me. wow. It made me realize why my personality has taken a 180. I used to be spontaneous and outgoing and vivacious and daring and unpredictable...ask Hex. ask my sister. ask anyone who knew me 20 years ago.
One day, it stopped.
Probably when I heard some nasty fat joke at my expense.
Now I want to blend into the woodwork and be invisible and I pray no one notices me and I pretend I'm not as big as I really am. I don't like that. I don't like any of those feelings. That's not who I really am and I'm tired of supressing my real self because I've imprisoned myself in this fat suit. The thing about the booths vs. tables at restaurants has been a big tell...getting snarky looks from the waitresses when they ask, "Table or booth?" and they KNOW what the answer is. Never feeling that again is worth giving up pasta.
More people are asking if I'm excited about the surgery. The surgery is not the exciting part for me...it's a tool. I was talking to my mom tonight and she asked if I was excited. I told her Hex asked me the same question. I said, "If I was going to come out of the surgery 100 lbs lighter, I'd be excited. But I'm not. I'm coming out of the surgery with a boat load of plastic inside me so there really isn't anything to be excited about." She started laughing and said, "I guess you're right. I hadn't thought about it." I said, "I just want to get it over with so I can get on with my life and start losing weight. I know I've lost between 45 - 50 lbs but I'm ready to lose more." That's it. That's why I'm not excited. It's just another step. A big step, but still only a step.
I would like to take this time to acknowledge a couple of first steps that are direct results of this endeavor: I can bend down to pick something up off of the floor using my KNEES and NOT my back (bending at the knees and not the waist)! AND I can feel the breeze on my throat because my double chin is shrinking! YES, LORD! PROGRESS!!!!!
EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!
(my new battle cry)
One day, it stopped.
Probably when I heard some nasty fat joke at my expense.
Now I want to blend into the woodwork and be invisible and I pray no one notices me and I pretend I'm not as big as I really am. I don't like that. I don't like any of those feelings. That's not who I really am and I'm tired of supressing my real self because I've imprisoned myself in this fat suit. The thing about the booths vs. tables at restaurants has been a big tell...getting snarky looks from the waitresses when they ask, "Table or booth?" and they KNOW what the answer is. Never feeling that again is worth giving up pasta.
More people are asking if I'm excited about the surgery. The surgery is not the exciting part for me...it's a tool. I was talking to my mom tonight and she asked if I was excited. I told her Hex asked me the same question. I said, "If I was going to come out of the surgery 100 lbs lighter, I'd be excited. But I'm not. I'm coming out of the surgery with a boat load of plastic inside me so there really isn't anything to be excited about." She started laughing and said, "I guess you're right. I hadn't thought about it." I said, "I just want to get it over with so I can get on with my life and start losing weight. I know I've lost between 45 - 50 lbs but I'm ready to lose more." That's it. That's why I'm not excited. It's just another step. A big step, but still only a step.
I would like to take this time to acknowledge a couple of first steps that are direct results of this endeavor: I can bend down to pick something up off of the floor using my KNEES and NOT my back (bending at the knees and not the waist)! AND I can feel the breeze on my throat because my double chin is shrinking! YES, LORD! PROGRESS!!!!!
EFFFF THE CUPCAKES!!!!!!
(my new battle cry)
Monday, August 9, 2010
A Hammock for the Dogs?
Hex texted me today. He asked me if I was excited about the surgery as it was now 11 days away.
I said no.
I said this was nothing to be proud of.
I said I was ashamed of myself for having to resort to such drastic measures because I obviously had no self control.
He tried to play the "it's genetic" card but I know better.
I countered with "GENETICS?!? NO ONE IN MY FAMILY LOOKS LIKE THIS!!!"
He left me alone after that.
Why was I not excited about this? This is sort of a life changing big fat (ha) hairy deal...shouldn't I be more excited? I know worrying about any excess skin is part of my trouble. It can be very discouraging when one reads about someone who weighs significantly less than me and has had no less than half a dozen plastic surgery procedures to remove the excess skin after her weight loss surgery. That scares the shit outta me. I know I'll be ok for the most part but what my tummy is going to look like after this is all over with has me quite nervous. I don't want to lose weight too quickly because that's a key factor in that excess skin thing. And I do need to get my fat ass back in the pool, because exercise also helps keep the blob at bay. Everyone says because I'm young and blessed with good genes and have never been preggers I have nothing to worry about. I know I shouldn't worry because there's really nothing I can do about it. I guess in a worst case scenario I can make a skirt out of my tummy skin? Or an apron? Or a pair of capri pants? I can make the dogs a nice hammock, too...
So that's enough negative. Let's focus on the positive, shall we?
My friend Shanon e-mailed me today and her message really lifted my spirits. I've been big for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be "normal". I've forgotten some of the things "normal" folks take for granted...things like:
public restrooms - some stalls are so small there's no room for my purse
diner booths - i always opt for tables in restaurants for obvious reasons
flying - i'm terrified of being charged for two seats
smaller vehicles - my cousin got a mazda 3...today? no way.
movie seats - i only go where the arm rests lift up
furniture - each day i'm terrified my office chair is going to give out
laundry - imagine washing denim sheets...
towels - i use a beach towel at the gym because it covers everything
medium - the concept of medium seems like world peace at this point
soap - the more body you have to wash, the more soap it takes to wash it
parking - i won't have to drive in circles stalking folks for close parking
jewelry - i can wear regular jewelry!
pedicures - i can paint my toenails like a normal girl!
six flags - i can ride any ride i want at six flags!
seat belts - i can comfortably wear a seat belt without losing circulation
posture - i can stand up straight without extra weight!
shoes - i'll lose a shoe size or 2 so i can buy them at normal stores again!
rx - no more blood pressure meds!
$$$ - 1/2 a cup of food is cheaper than 3 cups of food...
bed - we have a queen right now and it's just too small...right now...
shame - people avoid looking at you when you're big; like it's contageous...
Having every single thing I put into my mouth scrutinized is probably something that will never go away but I know my family does it because they love me. I can live with that.
Now about that liquid diet...I didn't even last one day. I read many articles and "liver-shrinking diets" that bariatric surgeons put their patients on prior to surgery and they're just very low carb diets. So I'm drinking a bariatric shake for breakfast and having a zero carb lunch and dinner. If I want to snack I have a sugar free popsicle or another shake. I do not feel guilty and I have no problem lying to my surgeon. I will probably do an all shake day tomorrow, though, and let Don have McDonalds. I can always snack on some cheese or something. Let me tell you, that first day did SUCK. I wanted to rip his lips off because he was chewing and I sat there drinking that stupid shake. I wanted to chew something, too! So I ate cold turkey hot dogs and some baby bel cheese. I felt like a junkie. See, the problem isn't the liquid...it's the sweet. I've never been one who has to eat sweets daily. I crave salt. Anyone will tell you...Don's always threatening to hang a slot block over the bed for me. So having 3 to 5 sweet drinks and ZERO salt was just too much for me to handle. Tomorrow I'll try protein drinks and salty snacks. I'll let you know if it works.
Until then,
PAX,
margo
I said no.
I said this was nothing to be proud of.
I said I was ashamed of myself for having to resort to such drastic measures because I obviously had no self control.
He tried to play the "it's genetic" card but I know better.
I countered with "GENETICS?!? NO ONE IN MY FAMILY LOOKS LIKE THIS!!!"
He left me alone after that.
Why was I not excited about this? This is sort of a life changing big fat (ha) hairy deal...shouldn't I be more excited? I know worrying about any excess skin is part of my trouble. It can be very discouraging when one reads about someone who weighs significantly less than me and has had no less than half a dozen plastic surgery procedures to remove the excess skin after her weight loss surgery. That scares the shit outta me. I know I'll be ok for the most part but what my tummy is going to look like after this is all over with has me quite nervous. I don't want to lose weight too quickly because that's a key factor in that excess skin thing. And I do need to get my fat ass back in the pool, because exercise also helps keep the blob at bay. Everyone says because I'm young and blessed with good genes and have never been preggers I have nothing to worry about. I know I shouldn't worry because there's really nothing I can do about it. I guess in a worst case scenario I can make a skirt out of my tummy skin? Or an apron? Or a pair of capri pants? I can make the dogs a nice hammock, too...
So that's enough negative. Let's focus on the positive, shall we?
My friend Shanon e-mailed me today and her message really lifted my spirits. I've been big for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be "normal". I've forgotten some of the things "normal" folks take for granted...things like:
public restrooms - some stalls are so small there's no room for my purse
diner booths - i always opt for tables in restaurants for obvious reasons
flying - i'm terrified of being charged for two seats
smaller vehicles - my cousin got a mazda 3...today? no way.
movie seats - i only go where the arm rests lift up
furniture - each day i'm terrified my office chair is going to give out
laundry - imagine washing denim sheets...
towels - i use a beach towel at the gym because it covers everything
medium - the concept of medium seems like world peace at this point
soap - the more body you have to wash, the more soap it takes to wash it
parking - i won't have to drive in circles stalking folks for close parking
jewelry - i can wear regular jewelry!
pedicures - i can paint my toenails like a normal girl!
six flags - i can ride any ride i want at six flags!
seat belts - i can comfortably wear a seat belt without losing circulation
posture - i can stand up straight without extra weight!
shoes - i'll lose a shoe size or 2 so i can buy them at normal stores again!
rx - no more blood pressure meds!
$$$ - 1/2 a cup of food is cheaper than 3 cups of food...
bed - we have a queen right now and it's just too small...right now...
shame - people avoid looking at you when you're big; like it's contageous...
Having every single thing I put into my mouth scrutinized is probably something that will never go away but I know my family does it because they love me. I can live with that.
Now about that liquid diet...I didn't even last one day. I read many articles and "liver-shrinking diets" that bariatric surgeons put their patients on prior to surgery and they're just very low carb diets. So I'm drinking a bariatric shake for breakfast and having a zero carb lunch and dinner. If I want to snack I have a sugar free popsicle or another shake. I do not feel guilty and I have no problem lying to my surgeon. I will probably do an all shake day tomorrow, though, and let Don have McDonalds. I can always snack on some cheese or something. Let me tell you, that first day did SUCK. I wanted to rip his lips off because he was chewing and I sat there drinking that stupid shake. I wanted to chew something, too! So I ate cold turkey hot dogs and some baby bel cheese. I felt like a junkie. See, the problem isn't the liquid...it's the sweet. I've never been one who has to eat sweets daily. I crave salt. Anyone will tell you...Don's always threatening to hang a slot block over the bed for me. So having 3 to 5 sweet drinks and ZERO salt was just too much for me to handle. Tomorrow I'll try protein drinks and salty snacks. I'll let you know if it works.
Until then,
PAX,
margo
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