A Port in the Storm

so i had lapbandlunch with margie and sylvia, the original lapbandgeeks (o.l.g.) and i learned some stuff:

first, no drinking anything 30 minutes prior to meals.
second, no drinking anything during meals.

that's gonna be tough.
i drink a lot of fluids, soda, iced tea, water, ginger ale, beer, cocktails or whatever.
i drink a lot of fluids.
i am actually more thirsty than i am hungry so this is going to be a lot harder than i thought. i know eventually i'll get used to it but that initial change will be difficult. i think i should start now. at brunch today, margie nursed a cup of water and sylvia drank nothing. last time we lunched, we all had margoritas. i didn't want to drink today, at least not margoritas, anyway - but i am still jonesing for some stout. margie also shared with me the problems she's having eating meat. she can really only eat chopped steak/hamburger as everything else is too dry and makes her ill. :( and i learned that after the liquid diet (which i like) i will get very ill transitioning back to solid foods. joy! i love soup and wouldn't be bothered by consumme/broth for breakfast+lunch+dinner one bit but it's not realistic. or healthy. they also emphasized the need for chewing each bite more than thoroughly and the importance of waiting 1 minute between bites - apparently, eating one's food with wolfen-like zeal can cause problems that mirror heart episodes and nobody wants a heart episode, even if it is just indegestion.

and then it was time to freak margo out.
do you know what a lapband is or how it works? allow me to give the quick and dirty explanation - it's a silicone band that gets wrapped around the uppermost portion of the stomach and has little pockets/balloons filled with saline that the doctors can adjust to allow or restrict food intake. how do they get the saline in there, you ask?
i'll tell you.
the band is attached to a long tube, not unlike one attached to an i.v. and that long tube has a port on the end of it, about the diameter of a quarter. that port is what the doctor injects the saline into to adjust your band. so, is it hanging there, out of you like a dongle? no. it's inside you, stuffed inside your muscle. WHAT THE HELL!?!?!???!? i told sylvia i wanted to feel her port because i sorta need to know what i'm getting myself into, so she lifted up her shirt and showed me where to find it. AUGH! AUGH AUGH AUGH HOLY COW OMG OMG EWW ICK ICK ICK!!!!! it scared the SHIT out of me! it's like a floating bottle cap inside of your body!

but the more i think about it, the cooler i think it is! i'll be like a cyborg!
i can't wait to freak out the kids and my grandmother with it!
i'm excited!

wanna feel my port?

ok, that's all for now...
oh and we found my keys! the sofa decided to eat them and some of lilly's chew bones so we had to perform emergency sofa surgery this evening.
YAY!
pax,
margo

1/2 a Cup of Food

1/2 a cup of food. that's it per meal. once i have the surgery i'll max out at 1/2 cup of food per meal with the tiny little pouch sectioned off by the band. that's 4 ounces...it's the same amount i feed each dog, twice a day. THEY'RE CHIHUAHUAS!!! me and the dogs will have the same size tummies! WHAT THE HELL!?!? and 4 ounces is the entire meal, not just one course. the doctors want me to eat only lean meats for that 4 oz meal so i won't suffer from protein deficiency which causes things like hair loss, fingernail loss, edema, dizzy spells, and a myriad of other lovely side effects all ultimately ending in a slow, painful death. i don't want to suffer from protein deficiency either, but what about fiber? when one embarks on a meat-based diet with little to no carbohydrates, laxatives have to be ingested because of the lack of fiber.
um...no.
ex-lax is not my idea of a party favor. and shakes from sonic (which tend to have a laxative effect on most) are forbidden because of the amount of fat+sugar+calories. i guess i'll find out more from margie and sylvia tomorrow at lapbandlunch.

oh and during that 1/2 a cup of food, i have to chew everything to liquid before swallowing and wait 1 minute between bites. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME?!? but i guess if i'm only eating 4 ounces of food per meal, i'll have extra time as there won't be too many bites in 4 ounces of food. it'll all pay off when i can wear a pair of 501s (with or without spanx) or buy lingerie at victoria's secret.

still can't find my keys. the jeep key replacement is going to run me around $100. i REALLY miss my keys.
good night, all...
pax,
margo

Nuclear Winter

the annoying "cheerleader" that was at hector's seminar last night who kept lifting up her shirt so people could feel her port and see her new (yet still unusually fleshy) belly said something interesting that night...she said, "expect people you thought were your friends to be so jealous they never speak to you again. expect your friends and family to try and sabotage you because of envy or control issues they have."

wow. that's pretty cold. but i can see it. i did it. when margie had her lapband a couple of years ago, i was so jealous my pupils looked like daggers. i am a bitch. i don't think that anymore. it's a fat girl thing, i guess. i can't explain it. when our friend marie had gastrick bypass and i found out she was forcing herself to eat double cheeseburgers that same week, i was secretly happy. i didn't want my fat girls to be skinny because i'd be alone again. am i a bitch? does that make me a horrible person? jack's ex-wife, smellanie, had gastrick bypass surgery and used to stand out on the smoker's patio at the chase call center and openly target anyone 50 lbs overweight or more and announce, "no one who weighs more than 250 lbs is happy. they couldn't possibly be happy because i wasn't...blah blah blah" when i saw her, i'd turn my back. i was openly a bitch to her just out of spite. when jack told me she gained all of her weight back and then some i couldn't have been happier. am i facing a nuclear winter of kharmic retribution because of past behaviors and evil thoughts? i love margie and i'm so happy she got healthy! i'm even going to see her this weekend with sylvia so they can give me the real scoop on dr.c and the procedure. i'm still glad smellanie's a cow, though, but for a zillion other reasons.

still can't find my keys...anyone wanna help me look?
:)
pax,
margo

A Veronica in a World of Heathers

so i'm sitting here, monacle in place with my electronic quill and journal ready to pour my heart out and let my angst fly. i accompanied hex to his lapbandcamp seminar and it was annoying. every stupid and/or annoying llama decided to attend as well. o.m.g. i was ready to start smackin' dolts upside the head with my flip flops! when the doctor says do not discuss your personal medical details in this room, save it for the office, he means DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL MEDICAL DETAILS IN THIS ROOM, SAVE IT FOR THE OFFICE! i don't need to know that you can't shit if you eat too much meat. i don't need to know if you're on psychotropic drugs that made you gain 100 lbs from taking one pill (when we all know you're lying and you probably wrapped that damn pill in bacon wrapped doughnuts coated in twinkie filling because we've all done it!!!) no one wants to touch your stomach! no one wants to see your stomach, put your shirt downn! i'm glad the lapband worked for you but PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN! and if you cannot bathe on a regular basis and have some sort of aversion to anti-persperant, stay home! if you have 400 phlegm balls filling your lungs, STAY HOME! there was so much phlegm i threw up a little in my mouth!

now that that's out of my system, i did get some more items clarified and had some new questions answered as well. i am glad i went. i'm ready to meet with dr. c and get this show on the road! the only thing i worry about is giving up too much at once - i have to stop drinking when i go back to my shrinky-dink and then a few days later i'll have to give up carbs for a while for the surgery. it's worth giving up food, of course, but i hardly drink and when i do finally tie one on, it's always well worth the wait. if i quit smoking, i can quit drinking. i'd rather be stable and medicated than unstable and drunk every once in a while...i think ;)

still haven't found the keys...help me.
pax,
margo

Fat Girls Don't Wrinkle

today i have a headache. and everything is getting on my nerves. tygrrr lilly is beyond our control and irritating the shit out of the other 2 babies. she's so hyper and out of control she hit her head on the coffee table when she tried to jump on the sofa. did it slow her down? no. did she cry from the pain? no. i did but she didn't. she just tolerated extra hugs and kisses from mommy and then squirmed to get to daisy for more torture. she is so hyper when she runs across the floor, sparks shoot out of her toes. the lights even flicker! she can degauss the tv and laptops by just walking by them. help me.

got a text from jack today; amy was medically approved for her gastrick bypass so she goes under the knife in 5 weeks provided she can lose 10 lbs and quit smoking today. i am so glad i quit smoking when i got e.coli - trying to quit sucks! i think that's probably why i went so stir crazy when i was in the hospital. not even morphine did anything to calm me down.

a friend of mine who hasn't seen me in about a hundred lbs told me i was beautiful. that totally made my year! i don't know any woman that would ever not appreciate being told she is beautiful. my mom and sister and hector tell me that all the time but it's different when it comes from them - it's almost like it's their job to say that.

tomorrow i'm going back to the nix hospital to be hector's date for his lap band seminar. he's worried because his insurance will only pay if the procedure is medically necessary. if you're 100 lbs overweight it's usually medically necessary. i started thinking about what i might look like without all of this extra *me* sitting around...i don't think i'll ever be thin - i'm pretty sure of it. i think i'll be curvy no matter what. even when i was a size 16 i still had this rack...jack said don's gonna have to fight them off with a stick! we'll see. i'm 40 now so there will be some...um...sun damage around the eyes that gets hidden when one is chubby. :) ask paula deen - fat girls don't wrinkle! she's right!

i'm off to dreamland...
pax,
margo

Fat Girl Crack

speaking of addiction...
i snack a lot and try to snack wisely but sometimes i'm too broke or too hungry to care about what i eat and end up with a big fat bag of fat. specifically, fat coated in cheesey, nuclear orange, greasy dust also known as puffy cheetos. puffy cheetos are probably the worst thing i can put in my body. around here they're known as "fat girl crack" or my "substance abuse problem." i went for a long time without eating them and switched to that new puffy corn coated in a similar magical cheese-flavored dust because at 8 grams of fat for 3 whole cups, it's a smarter choice. they taste pretty good if you like cheese-dust-coated styrofoam packing shrimp but whatever you do, do NOT smell them in the bag...

so it was only a matter of time before i fell off the wagon (i smelled the bag). i broke down and bought a bag of fat girl crack and when i put the first one in my mouth, i shuddered. houston, we have a problem. of course, puffy cheetos aren't my only addiction. i love cheese. any kind of cheese and the stinkier the better! i also love bread and stout beer. i sometimes wonder if i'm some reincarnated monk from the 15th century because i love all things fermented. i also love milk. i drink milk everyday. nothing flavored, just plain, white milk and if it's organic from jersey cows, it's even better.

as much as i would love to sit here and wax poetic about bread, cheese and beer, i have to find my keys. i lost them in the sofa last night. i will cook anyone anything they want to eat if they come find my keys tonight.
please. anyone?
pax,
margo

Appetite of Destruction

so let's discuss the appetite of destruction...i am always hungry. i don't know why, i just am. it's annoying and destructive and expensive and dangerous and i can't stop it. obviously, i don't have worms because if i did i wouldn't be fat, nor would have i have this lion's mane of hair. i drink a lot of water to make myself full but that doesn't really work very well (obviously). i tried eating 3 square meals but found i was still hungry...like, really hungry before, during and after each stupid meal. 5 little meals didn't work either. i think we're up to 3 slightly bigger meals and 1 - 2 little meals per day or something. i eat when i'm bored. i eat when i'm depressed. i eat when i'm hungry. i eat when don eats. i eat when my boss buys me lunch. i eat when i'm cooking. and for some reason, every day at 5pm sharp the hunger pangs start. i am posessed by hunger.

i don't know how it started but i've always been like this, as long as i can remember. i finally started recognizing the problem and making better choices about what i eat (most of the time), but only just recently. instead of getting a spicy italian with extra cheese on cheesey bread at subway, i now get a turkey melt with swiss, tons of veggies, spicy mustard on honey oat bread - 14g of fat - not bad for a footlong! i also traded in large cokes for unsweet tea and full-fat chips for baked lays. but that's just a single drop in the bucket. i'm still getting double quarter pounders with cheese at mcd's but not nearly as frequently as i used to.

portion control is all tied in with this, too. when i make sandwiches at home, i eat 2; one just doesn't cut it, so i quit making sandwiches at home. i know it sounds really bad but we don't eat chips with our sandwiches so there is that...i don't eat that much at dinner, really, but i do have a pretty good sized lunch during the week.

and then there are the cravings...i have cravings like a pregnant woman! i crave milk, i crave salt, i crave sugar and usually all at the same time. i know all women have cravings, whether they admit it or not, but most have the willpower to supress or ignore them. i am not one of those women. for example, i just ate 3 of those toaster strudels for dessert and fed 3 to my husband. and not just any toaster strudels, boston cream pie toaster strudels with vanilla pastry cream and chocolate icing. and a pint of milk. moo moo moo

i don't think it would be so bad if i got off of my big fat butt and moved around but i seem to always be tired and achey. to make matters worse, i have a very sedentary job and am expected to stay at my desk and not move while fidel is in the office. he wants me glued to my pc and phone the entire time i'm clocked in, even through lunch. by the time i get home, my legs ache from sitting in a chair that's too low (is a big problem when one has legs as long as mine) and my ankles are so swollen they're numb. i am in bad shape. i know i need to get back in the pool but timing is a little difficult with don's store having low season hours and trying to get dinner out in a reasonable amount of time. i must try harder. i will. now i need sleep. i bid you good night.
pax,
m

How I Got Here

So you're probably wondering, how does someone wake up 200 lbs overweight? Denial has a lot to do with it. I started seeing some problems when I turned 18 and it's been downhill ever since. I've tried several diets: Weight Watchers, Low Carb, Vegetarian, Curves, low fat, low sugar, you name it and nothing worked. They actually made the problems worse. Last year I decided to swim and ease into a vegan diet...the swimming was great but the vegan diet never even got to ovo-lacto! I started craving salmon to the point where I would watch black bears on NatGeo and envy their fishing skills! I was ready to grow out the toenails and catch my lunch like birds of prey! And naturally, being a beach bum with no beach, soon as it got cold outside, I no longer wanted to swim. (Now that it's getting warmer, I'll be back in the pool next week!) Since October, I've gained 25 lbs (not the 50 I originally thought) and my clothes don't fit and I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I can't wear girl clothes and all of my beautiful, sexy shoes are all sitting in my closet in boxes, bored. Alone. Unused. Meanwhile, I'm wearing flip flops, Crocs and Nikes. How sexy!

So how does one let their weight get so out of control? I don't know. Every body is different. No two bodies are the same. I can't speak for your wives, daughters, sisters, cousins, girlfriends, and they can't speak for me. All I know is I've always had a really big appetite and I'd be a chubby kid, then I'd have a growth spurt and stretch out. It was when I stopped growing that the giant appetite caught up to me. When I turned 40, my thighs looked like someone injected 80 gallons of jello underneath my skin and I knew something had to give. But it wasn't just the appetite that did it...somewhere in there, I contracted e.coli which caused the early onset of arthritis. A couple of car accidents later, more pain and less mobility and the weight just kept coming on. My legs hurt all of the time, my knees are shot, my ankles swell and I'm always tired. Imagine walking around carrying an extra 200 lbs with you all of the time. One would think I'd be physically stronger, huh? It doesn't work that way. It just makes you hurt and be tired all of the time. Additionally, I'm also unable to sleep like a normal person. I worry about having a heart attack in my sleep or a stroke or something and I wake up all the time. I'm pretty sure it's sleep apnea because Don says the snoring is getting really bad, too.

One thing you might not know is that I am bipolar. I've been off all meds for over 18 months, too, which accounts for some of the sleepiness (depression) and eating crazed amounts (depression) and swimming like a fish (mania) and obsessing over diet and exercise (mania). My friend Jack told me to call his shrink for an appointment and I'll be there on the 11th. I know once I get back on my meds I'll be in a better place to cope with the major lifestyle change that accompanies the lap band procedure. February is a big month for me...new shrink, first appointment with lap band doc, mediation for the e.coli lawsuit...and hopefully that car accident lawsuit will payout, too! Oh and hubby just reminded me - our 4th wedding anniversary is in February, too! Tickets to Gabriel Iglesias and dinner on the river (we got married on Valentine's Day because I am horrible with dates. Part of the reason for the blog is to remind me of my appointments!)

I'm off to play Mafia Wars on Facebook - gotta get Cuba done.
Pax,
Margo

Introductions

i woke up today and realized i was no longer cute and chubby. in just a short time i went from bbw to supersized. i'm now in gabriel iglesias' "DAMN!" category and let's face it...no one wants to be in that category...so i made an appointment with a lap band surgeon to help me get down to fluffy. i am 200 lbs overweight and this is the story of how i got here and how i'm leaving to lap band camp to become a lap band geek.

i'm not alone in my trip to lap band camp, though, there are some characters you should meet:
margo - me
hector - my bff and fellow lap band geek
don - my hubster
amy - another friend who's having gastrick bypass
margie - lap band geek number one
sylvia - lap band geek number two
shannon - lap band geek turned gastrick girl
laura - my sister
dr. c - my surgeon
jack - my dear friend
rodger - my other bff
mom - my mom
momo - my grandmother
steven - my uncle
stinky - my cousin
marc - my brother in law
the kids - aj and juju
the babies - savannah, daisy, lilly (my puppies)
ashley - sister in law
rae - mother in law
fidel - my boss
eric - my other boss
ken - yet another boss
maricruz - my el paso friend
dr. s - my shrink
other characters to be introduced as they come and go but these are here for life

i want to make this fun and keep it light (no pun) and hector will hopefully be posting his stories too. we want to tell our stories and entertain at the same time. we hope you come back and enjoy the ride. while you're here, you can pet the animals, just don't feed the animals...
pax,
margo